Most people probably wouldn't expect there to be much connection between French cooking maven Julia Child and G.I. Joe except that movies about each — Julie and Julia and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra — open this weekend.
Au contraire.
During World War II, Child was a research assistant with the U.S. Office of Strategic Services intelligence agency, the precursor to the CIA, and was shipped overseas to deal with top-secret documents.
So what if Child had gone to work for G.I. Joe?
All of the Joes were identified in their action-figure packaging with file cards summarizing their background and specialties. Here's a fictional take on what we think Child's would have looked like:
CODE NAME: CORDON BLEU
Intelligence
File Name: Julia Child (born Julia Carolyn McWilliams).
SN: B23-277-2433
Primary Military Specialty: Kitchen-counter intelligence, using the culinary arts to glean secrets from gluttonous enemies.
Secondary Military Specialty: Kickboxing. At 6-foot-2, Cordon Bleu's powerful legs are known to knock out even Cobra ninja Storm Shadow.
Birthplace: Pasadena, Calif.
Grade: Officer
Cordon Bleu entered the service specializing in communications but soon found her true skill: culinary espionage.
After leaving the OSS, she successfully infiltrated France's famed cooking school, Le Cordon Bleu, and stole the secrets of French cooking, eventually bringing them to the United States. By spreading the secrets to the masses, she in essence made French cooking American.
Though normally laser-focused, she sometimes is found distracted from her battlefield duties, using her weapons-grade kitchen matches to warm pots of soupe à l'oignon (French onion soup), not light fires across Cobra lines.
A known multitasker, she was once seen flipping an omelette roulée while parachuting into the Cobra Terror Drome, all in preparation for infiltrating the enemy's lair and extracting their secrets. How'd she do it? A spectacular meal of boeuf à la Bourguignonne with riz au beurre, petits pois frais à l'Anglaise and a nice glass of Bordeaux-St. Émilion.
"Cordon Bleu's the kind of soldier everyone protects. After all, who would cook the victory meal should she fall in battle?"
