The We Never Thought Elizabeth Taylor Was All That Pretty Society met in a small conference room to discuss how many marriages are enough for anybody and what she saw in Eddie Fisher.

In any such group, there are different opinions. The plumps versus wrinkles. Some prefer a wrinkled up old woman to one overstuffed like a chair with a face large enough to hold a lot of makeup. The social conservatives tend toward plump thinking, as a recent study showed that going to church is one of the leading causes of obesity, but when you ask one of them if their glorified body in heaven is going to be fat or not, they can't answer. Liberals, as a rule, go wrinkled from sprouts and hummus.

I once wrote that the late Supreme Court Justice Dan Jack Combs got sued for alimony and they turned it into a class action. He, like Liz and other serial marryers, was an optimist. I think that means in Kentucky he can operate on your eyes.

Mr. Justice Combs married a lot, liked weed, rode motorcycles and was widely and falsely accused of being a communist — yet was elected again and again in Eastern Kentucky because of the strength of his principles and the fact that you knew what he stood for.

Contrast that with the month of watching lawyer ads during March Madness, which when you read this, will be woefully over for us, or we will be nearing heaven, one or the other. Because of those informative lawyer ads, we have come out into the spring again with new attitudes.

Most of us wish we had some old people in our family who could get neglected or abused in a nursing home. Most of us wish we'd get in a car wreck that doesn't really hurt a whole lot. A lot of us wish we had taken fen-phen or just phen. If we had a settlement or annuity coming we would be glad to sell it. People wistfully regret not getting a bad artificial knee put in. Avoiding debt is a virtue.

We want a lawyer who has gone against the biggest insurance companies. That would be any lawyer in the world who has ever handled a fender bender because there are only three insurance companies left: one represented by a lizard, one by a woman who reminds you of that girl you all made fun of in high school, and one whose name you can say and magically deplump people.

Here is a good lawyer ad: "You might need your own Lizard, so hire me."

Here's a tip about those advertising lawyers. They only take the kinds of easy cases that people don't much need a lawyer for anyway. Second, most of them wouldn't know the inside of a courtroom from a Zesta cracker box.

They are pinhookers, an old country word for people who buy tobacco or animals from a farmer and take it on the market and sell it for profit. They skim off the easy money.

Another commercial bothers me. What's the deal with the two bathtubs side by side outdoors? Is 36 hours how long it takes you after you take a sex pill to move two bathtubs from the house and put them out by the creek? What do you do then? In a bathtub?

I'll bet Richard Burton and Liz Taylor never did that.

Meanwhile, in response to Abercrombie & Fitch ads with 10-year-old girls wearing push-up bras, the Kentucky General Assembly went into special session to lower the age of consent to 11.