Evolution, devolution, prostitution and other good cheer

Contributing columnistDecember 25, 2011 

Merry Christmas, Superintendent Ricky Line.

Denying evolution, this marred-supe hung from a tree and showed its tail, scratched religion's belly, picked reason and science from the hair of education, and made you wonder if evolution is not going backward.

Are we catching up to monkeys or are they catching up to us?

Line does deserve credit for a certain stubbornness to maintain tradition. You were fairly stupid on this one, Ricky, but still deserve an orange today because, if we are to avoid famine, somebody will have to defy education to be able to teach the young how to make food.

We have an educational crisis right here in Pike County, where we realized that no meth labs have been found. That was very embarrassing, as some nearby counties have them conveniently located, and so our educational leaders suspect that we are falling down in chemistry, but are holding our own in Ark science.

Merry Christmas, Steve Beshear, dear leader, and to Steve Beshear Oon, the designated successor. Get to work for us.

If you can make it possible for us to lose a billion and a half a year at the tables, where money lies around like wrapping paper after opening, then the state will pick up about half the tax money President Barack Obama mailed you last term.

There are jobs enough in prostitution alone associated with the gambling industry to make it worth that. It's not like small businesses would have got that gambling money anyway.

Governor, if J.H. Blair were alive you would let him run a mines and minerals department. At least you could ask miner Joe Craft if that's who they wanted. Keep on being out of town when those far-out idiots who want to save the mountains come around. You could add several thousand jobs to Eastern Kentucky if you abolished strip mining, but we really don't need them.

Merry Christmas, Allison Lundergan Grimes and Crit Luallen. Crit's real first name is Eugenia, abandoned as a political name because it came to sound like a branch of evolution. She will have to run against Allison, who caters as much as her father, and whose overexcited and hyper manner makes us dream of the Lexington of yesteryear, and Abramson, who has vowed to be the busiest lieutenant governor there ever was. So, doing one thing the first afternoon will be enough.

Here is some advice for all three of you, especially those who want to be more than governor some day. Nobody, I mean nobody, is going to pick somebody on a national ticket who was for mountaintop removal. Too many pictures to look at.

Happy birthday, Newt. What are you going to call it? Sharia is already taken. Toyota is good at naming things. Maybe you can get them to name the law of whatever religion you have taken up lately. Will the military have the power to hold without charges as subversives those who think the Constitution and our laws should be secular? If you start locking up judges, will you take recommendations?

My Christmas wish this fine morning is that somewhere deep in my beloved hills of Kentucky, there are those who will not celebrate Christmas today, but will wait until Jan. 6, Old Christmas, when the cows kneel down in their stalls at midnight.

Those will probably not be educated people, but are a safe bet to survive should the money get cut off. I would like to be with those people.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.

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