Webster: UPike or not, keep the checks coming

is there a right to closure?

Contributing columnistMarch 18, 2012 

"Extractus Omnia Lumpus" was going to be the motto of Pikeville State University. Among us villians of Pike, there has been a longstanding rumor of a college in our town up there somewhere on the hill.

That story got worse recently when a man named Paul, on the road to reputation rehab, went blind for a few days, like way-back Paul, and decided he could persuade the rest of the state colleges and county judges to give up a lot of their money, so that our rumor would be a state-funded one.

Neither persuasion, nor an old governor calling in his markers, nor House Speaker Greg Stumbo's threats to have the board members of colleges renditioned could separate our rumored college from our rumored Presbyterians.

It might have happened except for the ill-advised plan to drive a delegation from the General Assembly to Pikeville and tour the college. When they got here, even with the college president with them, they couldn't find it. That was terribly embarrassing to the president, who swore that the college is around here somewhere, that he was almost sure he remembered seeing it last week. "I told you so. I told you so. I told you so," was all the president of Morehead State University would say.

So the General Assembly hustled back to the Capitol, taking one last look at the new section of Salyersville, since wind-humbled, like the time-humbled old section. Upon arrival in Frankfort, the delegation reported to the General Assembly that it was a good thing that not too many people from coal country go to Morehead State. They decided instead to subsidize a religious college by giving kids public funds to pay tuition there.

We mountain people know how to keep checks coming, so tell us where to sign up and what's the earliest you can quit? You don't mind subsidizing Presbyterians who are just about lukewarm enough to be spewn. Did Paul turn back into Saul, or did he pull off a slick move to redirect public money toward him and his? If his was a loss, it was a pseudo-loss.

Pseudophedrine, to bachelors (used here to mean a degree and not the traditional thing we call gay men who never marry) would be fake phedrin, whatever phedrin is. Why would Sen. Robert Stivers want to outlaw fake phedrin? I guess the same reason we are going to pass laws which try to anticipate and outlaw all possible combinations of molecules that people might mix up and put into their bodies so they will feel less worthless. Legislatures drive people to hard stuff by chasing science.

What if people vote that there is no right to hunt? Are you gun dealers relying on President Barack Obama again to double your business like the last time? If we have a constitutional right to hunt, do we get to kill all those elk before they get us? Will game wardens be unconstitutional?

If they are going to have constitutional amendments, they should pass one on the Right to Closure. Closure did not used to exist. It used to be that when someone murdered a member of your family, or your child got killed by someone careless, those things did not come to an end, despite prison or execution.

The families of victims were left to choose whether to follow the New Testament or the Old One. Nowadays we are all Old Testament thinkers, revenge freaks, and in the last 30 years have came to demand closure, as a natural right. Put it into law and those poor, sad people will no longer be sad. We can even give them a Closure Certificate.

Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, can be reached at websterlawerencer@bellsouth.net.

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