The only significant piece of new legislation likely to come out of this year's General Assembly is the Anti-Mouthing Amendment which will submit to voters whether to make mouthing a crime. Mouthing back will remain legal.
Many think the new law will not pass federal constitutional standards because it will have to be enforced mainly against teenage girls, and will all but prevent political speech.
In admiration for Florida's Stand Your Ground Statute, by which you are allowed to kill people you catch out by themselves, the Kentucky House passed its own version — the Get Behind Your Tree Statute.
Because that differed from the Senate version, the Get the Drop on 'Em Statute, the matter will go to conference committee, the place that counts, where laws are really made where nobody can watch.
The final version is expected to cut down on the killing of young black men wearing irregular sweatshirts by legalizing watch watchers. Somebody needs to watch those neighborhood watchers, so they won't hurt people, so you could have somebody to also watch them, maybe armed with nerf pistols. Along those same lines, I have discovered that when your trouble light comes on in the car, just as often as not, it is the trouble light which is not working.
I am going to invent a smaller light which will come on to let you know that your trouble light is malfunctioning and there is nothing wrong with your car that $5 gas won't cure.
In the uplands, where our codes of conduct are slightly slanted toward shoot now and ask questions later, we just assumed that Trayvon got too close to Zimmerman's still and that whoever used the word "coon" on the 911 tape was referring to a pointy-snouted, short-eared and bushy tailed animal which had taken refuge in a nearby tree, hoodyless.
Trayvon's legacy to his fellow targets, the thing they can learn from all this, is that a good run is better than a bad stand, and to beware of being too vague about your race. If Trayvon had been blacker, I don't think Zimmerman would have messed with him. If Trayvon had been President Barack Obama's son, then about a third of the people in the South would believe he was a Muslim, which would also have allowed somebody to single him out to chase.
All this makes you wonder, is it really a good thing for some Australian billionaire to take over a sizeable portion of American television and tell lies on the president.
Meanwhile, candidate Santorum, after a quick flight to Cuba, announced that Pope Benedict had agreed to be his running mate, in hopes that church and state can get back together again, so that more women can be pregnant and we can have a lot of extra people.
Old Newt, trying to get $5 million more out of sugar daddy Sheldon Adelstein, said that on his first day in office he would make Jerusalem the capital of the United States, too. He has assured his benefactor that if elected, he would continue to give Israel power of attorney to start wars for the U.S.
Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich should have asked some Eastern Kentucky precinct fixer for advice and would have found out that Romney can buy so much more whisky on election day, and so much better whisky, that he would be hard to beat. A vote that used to cost a half pint of Early Times now costs a fifth of Woodford Reserve.
And this advice for Romney and the grits flap: Willard, by not eating grits you have not missed a thing. Grits are like pawpaws and persimmons in that each is a romantic idea about food which is better than it tastes.
Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, can be reached at email@example.com.