Larry Webster: Tie Rod pushing cap-and-trade for blasphemy

Contributing columnistSeptember 30, 2012 

All Tie Rod will say out loud about the Prophet is that he figures He was about one of the finest feelers that ever was.

He is now even afraid to make fun of the Mormon prophet to whom Jesus came to New England and gave gold bullion and to whom Jesus advised to either not marry at all or get you several, one or the other.

Tie Rod is afraid if he makes fun of one of our Prophets, somebody overseas or in Michigan will take it wrong and stone him. He used to say that Mohammed, Jesus and Moses all went to the same high school, but that may now be over the line.

Tie Rod was glad to hear that Jesus was married, marriage being an institution Tie Rod used to not be a fanatic about, but is liking more as his choices diminish.

It would not surprise Tie Rod if Jesus were divorced. He was wandering around homeless with only a pair of sandals and that choir-robe-looking thing he wore.

One little scrap of paper doesn't prove anything, Tie Rod thought, but if you string enough paper together and make a book, it all becomes true and self proving, and something to die for and kill others for.

If Barack Obama wins, which Tie Rod thinks will happen unless Mitt Romney's base vote can get their servants to vote for him too, he and Slemp are going to drive up to Washington to see him and offer to set up at a small profit to them, an International Insult and Blasphemy market, where religions, or nations or even families could buy the right to insult and blaspheme, like a sort of cap-and-trade thing.

If you wanted to, say, claim that Buddha is too fat, or that a certain religion ought to quit stealing land from the neighbors, or that L. Ron Hubbard was a one-eyed mule's tail, or that all gods and prophets but yours are fake, then you could go to that market and trade that insult for one another religion has done to somebody, like trying to kill you for saying what is on your mind.

Then you will be even and nobody will have to be killed. And the world's need for blasphemy could be met.

After all, the founders of the world's great religions we now know to be true were blaspheming old religions back at the start.

Tie Rod will locate that International Insult and Blasphemy Exchange somewhere over here, out of the sand. We just don't feel comfortable going over there. Let them cross over Jordan to our side for a change. Some of those people are crazy.

They are pretty sure Obama will go along with that idea after they explain to him that if we don't do something, religion is going to kill us all. The only way you can fight religious fanatics is to be more of a religious fanatic yourself. Godliest wins.

If they do get to see the president they want to get him aside where nobody can hear and thank him for not caving in to the coal companies and for caring whether mountain people will have drinking water and somewhere to raise a pig.

They intend to apologize to the president for Kentucky Democrats having less backbone than a smokehouse in December.

They won't have to explain Kentucky Republicans to the president and that's a good thing because nobody can.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at websterlawrencer@alltel.net.

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