Big Blue cloning: five from the twins

Can science rescue kentucky football?

Contributing columnistOctober 14, 2012 

Comedian Ellen DeGeneres, separated at birth from her identical twin Paul Ryan, will receive the Mark Twain Award Oct. 22, an honor traditionally given to funny people but which Ellen is getting for being gay.

I always intended to maybe finish watching her some day to see if she ever said anything funny, but switched over to Sara Jessica Parker, what we call in the mountains a horsefis, a practical joke pulled off by a producer who bet somebody he could take an ugly woman and foist her off as a sexy star.

In other prizes, the Nobel Prize Committee selected for its medical award two doctors who have figured out a way to take a cell from a human, and there are a few of those around, and make it into another human, which is fine, but not as much fun as making them the old way.

You don't even need the cells of embryos, the unborn dead, who can now keep their own cells. You can use live people and recreate them.

Soon the basketball Harrison twins become the starting five. If you can make people from existing people — and if they invent a machine to move furniture — men will be instantly obsolete. They already bear the disadvantage of having to be funny to win the Mark Twain Award.

For about 100 years, physicists thought that if you observed anything you changed it. The best proof of that is Gatlinburg and Newgrass. Now it turns out that you can observe quantum particles and not change them, but you apparently have to really squint, rendering all uncertainty principles even more so. That will lead to real powerful and fast computers, something we desperately need to get us more information to carry around in our hands like idiots.

It is hoped that the new generation of quantum computers can figure out why the University of Kentucky football coach goes into the parking lot before games to see who is cornholing real good to get him a quarterback, why the team injury rate is about the same as World War I soldiers and why we give the game ball to anybody who makes a "First Down Kentucky!"

Last week, the No. 2 piccolo player in the Marching Wildcats threw five interceptions before being yanked. Is it time for a reformed womanizer to take over as coach?

The university president was out on Cooper Drive with his Carrie Nation axe, chopping up coolers. That was simply too close a place to KET (Motto: Benign All the Time) to have a drink, and liquor is a gateway drug to more liquor.

The defensive coordinator of Penn State got sent to state pen in retaliation for the abuse his team put on Kentucky in that bowl game in Florida a few years ago. In other acts of retaliation, Gov. Steve Beshear is expected to appoint his nemesis, Sen David Williams, to the bench, in retaliation to a large segment of Kentucky Republicans.

That singular act of forgiveness ought to net the guv a few hundred thousand from the gambling lobby and Sen. Williams can bench-press sin.

War mongers were encouraged by the promise of one of the candidates for the presidency to start a lot of little wars and a few medium ones in the Middle East in the struggle between the gods. As far as we know, Osama bin Laden did not pay him to do that, but appreciates that from wherever killers go to be sufficiently virgined.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at

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