Larry Webster: Middle of the road no place for blue dogs

Hunting's protected; will right to wear white socks be next?

Contributing columnistNovember 11, 2012 

When Canola Jane got pretty obnoxious about Slemp fixing the storm door Slemp asserted his constitutional right to hunt and fish.

He wonders if this new amendment will lead to the release from jail of all those who fished in the past. He also wonders if that sentence they snuck into the amendment about wildlife management being a legally preferred use of land won't be an excuse to argue that reclamation is against the law.

Wondering still, will the next ballot carry a proposed amendment that protects his right to wear white socks?

Slemp may call himself a conservative because he doesn't know he is a liberal. He is suspicious of this Borky idea that you only have such rights as somebody has thought up to include in a Constitution. He thinks expressio unius est exclusio alterius. True, he doesn't exactly think in Latin but his common sense tells him that to list a bunch of things implies the exclusion of anything not listed. So, although he wants the right to hunt and fish, he thinks it is dangerous to go around voting on it. What if the amendment had failed at the ballot?

Slemp was further relieved that the UFO spotted over his territory was not an Operation UNITE drone, referring to unmanned aircraft, and not the drones which UNITE puts on television to justify the federal government's virtual occupation of East Kentucky.

Slemp now has the right to harvest squirrels and catfish, but not other things that grow in nature. He doesn't mind that drones shoot down innocent civilians overseas, but wants a trial before somebody in Tampa shoots him by remote control while he is tending his crop.

No, the UFO turned out to be a giant Oreck vacuum cleaner sucking up cash from the coal industry, which, despite its investment in shrines, has extra money to give out to get a piece of the Candy Barr. To Slemp, an honest man is a guy that when you buy him he will stay bought.

The defeat of Hap Chandler's grandbaby was a blow to bluedoggery. The middle of the road is not a good place for dogs. Slemp figures that Ben Chandler's line if he runs for governor will be something like, "If my first three arguments have failed to convince you, I have three more equally as persuasive."

Slemp is kind of relieved that Mitt Romney is out of the picture. He was afraid that we would have a president named Willard, with a first lady who never has never quit being a Chi Omega. He was afraid that Romney really believed what he said.

Slemp did notice that the Republicans had tried to hide Mitch McConnell and John Boehner the past year, but he can see why. Mac the Knife and the Big Boner. These dogs were being wagged by the Tea tail of their party, which in only two short years has cost Republicans five Senate seats, mostly by clever sayings about rape.

On election night it was often announced that a state somewhere had elected the first openly gay senator. Slemp visualizes the concept of "openly gay," but certainly doesn't fault lesbians, who like the same things he does.

Slemp thinks gay politicians have about a 10 percent head start in an election, a fact which never shows up in the polls.

Paul Ryan. R.I.P.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net

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