Ky. Voices: Tale of woe in the land of Norquistan

December 20, 2012 

Bill Best is director of the Sustainable Mountain Agriculture Center in Berea.

One day recently, the day after the election to be exact, a problem arose in the quaint kingdom of Norquistan.

A fairy, by the name of Grover, awoke with a terrible cough.

He sounded strange as he coughed — sounds that sounded like "Koch, Koch, Koch", "Koch, Koch, Koch."

Clearly he was having trouble with his vital signs. And not only that, many of the investors who had invested in his fairy-tale country were similarly afflicted and doing a lot of coughing and sputtering.

Grover of Norquistan was not your common everyday fairy. He had just spent hundreds of millions of his minion's dollars on an election and had nothing but blame to show for it.

His mythical kingdom of Norquistan, located somewhere between K Street in Washington, D.C. and the banking highlands of Switzerland, was in disarray with fingers pointing in all directions simultaneously.

In fact, fingers seemed to have become detached from bodies they were so numerous and even pointing at one another.

The bodies that used to be attached to those fingers seemed to have mysteriously disappeared.

"Oh woe is me!" lamented Grover. "I had pledges from so many people who didn't get elected to high office and most of those elected probably won't pledge to me. In fact, some of my own people have refused already to pledge to me. What will I do to maintain my absolute powers?"

(Grover has nearly unlimited power over a major political institution and hundreds of individual senators and congressmen.)

In the distance, Warren was seen trying to ride to the rescue. He presented Grover with a buffet loaded with many potential solutions to his problems. You see, Warren was thought by many to be a wise man who realized that when prosperity is shared, the shallowness of life in Norquistan loses much of its appeal.

Warren thought it was unwise and unfair for Grover's secretaries to pay taxes at a much higher rate than he did and told him so.

But Grover was not to be mollified. His counselors had told him time and again that societies functioned best when there was a large gap between the incomes of the wealthy few and those who were born to live in serfdom.

In fact, he believed that the best societies of all were those with a few plutocrats and millions of serfs.

Should a middle class start to develop, in his view, all Hades might break loose and the gods might become displeased.

And Grover certainly did not want to see the gods displeased.

Yet trouble still seemed to continue to envelop the perpetually smiling Grover, whose grin typically stretched from ear to ear.

To his great surprise, some of his devotees declared that they considered their pledges to him as having had a time limit and now to be null and void.

They were choosing to pledge to support the U.S. Constitution instead of honoring their pledge to him.

Clearly this was a shocking development to someone who considered himself to be all powerful.

So Grover kept up his threats to punish those who were choosing not to honor their pledge to him by supporting their challengers in the next primary season with vast amounts of money from his friends.

To counter his threat, some of them made threats of their own, threatening to "roll Grover over in the clover" if he kept pushing his weight around and considering himself to be the most important person on earth.

But, alas and alack, despite his perpetual grin and his conviction that he was always right, like many other small fairies Grover harbored secret doubts: Is all of this for naught? Will everything come crashing down on me? What if the Mayan calendar is right? Or is it just the world of my dreams that might end?

Stay tuned folks for the next episode of "Grover The Fairy Of Norquistan."

Bill Best is director of the Sustainable Mountain Agriculture Center in Berea.

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