Larry Webster: Drones multiply as bees disappear

Trying to make ends meet as mines close

Contributing columnistMarch 17, 2013 

Larry Webster

Tie Rod couldn't get in the chiropractor's office because it was full of coal operators who had strained their necks from looking up to see if President Barack Obama was about to drone them, or from looking all the way to the tops of those massive piles of coal which extend for miles at the docks, which nobody kept anybody from mining, but which still cannot be sold.

As a secondary complaint to their doctors, coal people say they can't pass gas.

Until lately, Tie Rod always thought a drone was the very kind of honeybee he would want to be in some ways, that is a male who serves a queenly female and doesn't work; but would not want to be in some ways, which has to do with getting killed if you are the one who got the queen pregnant, and being driven out of the hive if you weren't.

Tie Rod always feels sort of guilty taking honey from bees, and doesn't blame them for disappearing and guesses we will soon have to pollinate by hand and go without honey.

Or a drone might have been an idler in the old days, what Tie Rod's daddy would have called a sluggard. Tie Rod's ambition has always been to be an idler, but he never quite quit working hard. He does draw a check for amotivational syndrome, the medical term for not wanting to do anything. He got that disability award and hopped the gravy train a while back, something recent miners now wish they had done.

In the old days, a lot of people got hurt just before a mine shut down, so now they only tell you a few hours away and do not give a man a fair chance at a moderate injury, leaving a man's large new pickup, large new ATV, large new boat and large new mortgage at the mercy of natural gas, which they are finding more of every day everywhere they look.

But the idea of a plane you can't see nor hear with nobody in it shooting people because of their politics kind of sparked something in Tie Rod, who figures he won't get shot from the sky, but Slemp might and Tie Rod standing too close.

Tie Rod calls him Randy Paul and says he looks like Hank Snow after Hank got that toupé. Tie Rod says his wife can talk as long as Sen. Paul can, and say even less. She once talked 13 hours and never once during that whole time would say what she was talking about.

Tie Rod and Slemp agree that Paul jumped ahead of Sen. Marco Rubio, primarily because the latter got on television for a few minutes after the State of the Union speech and looked like an idiot with a receding hairline, who may be a bald-headed idiot by election time, unless he gets himself one of those Joe Biden transplants.

The nation is just not ready for a bald-headed president, especially not one with an 'o' at the end of both names.

But they agree that the real question which a person must ask about all candidates for president is this: Will this guy shoot me or not? Jane Fonda can worry about herself, but will a drone whack me because I once took up for the Palestinians in Sunday School?

But if it ever gets to where we have to drop pollen from the sky because the bees are still on strike over us taking their food, maybe this could be done from a drone, or millions of tiny drones trained to make honey.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at

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