Webster: Pomp can't save new pope from reality's sting

arm drones with vy-eenies to win hearts and minds

Contributing columnistApril 14, 2013 

Larry Webster

That new pope can get along with anybody. He proved that in Argentina. He seems to be a real good kisser too, maybe a little slurpy, but he better be careful who he kisses, just like the rest of us. He could spread disease among the billions who kiss him and then go off and drink after each other.

The new pope's real name, before he new-named himself after a saint, sounds like somebody who is about to get whacked in the parking lot of the Bada Bing. Francis is sort of a unisex name, giving hope to the billions of women around the world heretofore valued by the church as breeders and who might be all right as priests if God had not already forbid it.

In his native Argentina, both the favorite sport and second favorite sport of the people are revolting. The favorite sport, bull fighting, is revolting and the second favorite sport is revolting. Being a cardinal in a country where there is a revolution every few months is like being a school administrator in Eastern Kentucky. You may be a principled person, but those principles aren't of much use at work.

Watching bull fights will help Pope Francis learn the ropes. He, like poor Benedict before him and the bull, was turned out in a public spectacle with many forms of pomp and solemn ceremony, then to be assailed by swords of reality, the skilful matador of fact. That is, what do you do about The Problem?

The Problem is that if you structure a priesthood of men who swear off sex with women, and a nun-hood of women who swear off sex with men, you attract a lot of gay people, some of whom will be horny. The answer seems to be same-sex marriage among priests and nuns.

It turns out that religion was one of the worst ideas of man, or woman. But it will be hard to get rid of, and until we do, we will have to fight other religions and in a war prompted by one side's religion, you can only win if your religion is stronger and your god more worthy of fighting for than theirs.

So now we are about to have a war with North Korea and really we are sort of in the dark about what religion they have that we must hate. I hope they aren't Buddhists. The reason we couldn't win in Korea before or in Vietnam was because it is hard to hate Buddhists. That is something we need to work on and get down-pat before Kim Young'un bombs the Hyundai (fake Honda) plant and drives up the price of cars.

You gotta hand it to those North Koreans when it comes to lining up. They make the straightest lines I ever saw, better than any college marching band in the South. But they better not cluster up like that in a war because we could launch a Pearl Harbor type of attack and get them all at once.

I think America could win over the people of North Korea if we dropped cases of potted meat and vy-eenies over their countryside from airplanes. Drones could pinpoint pockets of hunger and drop potted meat with great accuracy. I guess you couldn't drop crackers. They would have to find their own crackers. But with enough potted meat, they wouldn't have to eat their dogs as much.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.

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