Webster: Is this the pickup Ky. higher learning needs?

it won't spend but will grow potatoes

Contributing columnistSeptember 15, 2013 

I am going to donate $1.5 billion to Transylvania University, provided that I can sell my pickup truck for that much. But Transy can go ahead and announce the gift and take Henry Clay's name off stuff and put mine up. I will go ahead and try to beat the Blue Book on my veteran Tundra, somewhat scarred by gas well and strip job roads, and one encounter with the carport post.

It has its virtues. You can grow potatoes in the back floorboard.

My donation is in gratitude for the English department there teaching me to write stuff that a lot of people cannot understand, but which I cannot explain to them because I cannot understand it either. So the gift will be earmarked to require Transy to hire into the English department a first-class manifesto writer to replace the one who authored the faculty statement that will get President Owen Williams shipped back to Wall Street quicker than Billie Gillispie was herded back to Texas, proving that at some schools "one and done" applies to more than ballplayers.

The Transy manifesto was somewhere between the Unabomber's literature and Martin Luther's 95 thesis(es), but nonetheless affirmed the right of the faculty to be hidebound and to be tenured for merely hanging around and producing 94 less theses than Martin Luther.

The real reason for the decline of Williams was Transy's failure to achieve any vice presidential debates. Veep debates represent the very best of intellectual inquiry, producing the likes of Dick Cheney. That means you cannot have one at the Southern Baptist Illogical Seminary in Louisville, where the faculty must believe in Adam and Eve and speak in thees and thous. You do not have to be an idiot to teach there, but if you are not you have to pretend to be one and if the faculty there ever manifestos against its president, God's point guard, the document is likely not to have sentences, as all teachers who could make one have been banished to such ultra-liberal institutions as Wake Forest or Georgetown.

Back in Danville, after the Seinfeldian twist, the leadership of Centre will try to make up for its loss of a quarter billion by sending money to Nigeria to help process their African lottery winnings and by entering the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Maybe a bake sale or quilt raffle.

The one complaint University of Kentucky trustees have with their president is they wish he would go to the east-end goal post more after the first quarter with his wife and wave with the campus marbles team. This would help us forget the score.

The last guy who headed up UK advertised his own brilliance, but the new guy with the funny name seems bent on proving his the old-timey way, by accomplishing something other than advertising. He is even talking about giving back his bonus to the school so they would have more cash to invest in the art of teaching tall boys to reach up and drop an orb into a cylinder.

Murray State wouldn't rehire its president and that probably has to do with that catchy slogan constructed during his tenure, which goes on forever, says nothing much and reads like it was written by a committee, or the guy who writes the essays for the basketball team.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at websterlawrencer@bellsouth,net.

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