Larry Webster: Cannibalism more nourishing than an 'Andy Bar'

Tea Party's candy counteroffers the hungry a bitter pill

Contributing columnistSeptember 29, 2013 

About the nicest thing you can say about the members of Kentucky's congressional delegation who voted to rip the food-stamp program is that the milk of human kindness has curdled in their chests.

To carry forward the notion that denying food to the hungry will get them off their tails and into minimum-wage jobs, the Tea Party wing of the GOP is expected to introduce legislation which would put armed guards at soup kitchens to keep out the poor, give mandatory minimum sentences to any woman who feeds a hobo out the back door and outlaw Sav-a-Lot.

The Lord feeds the sparrow, but conservatives do not think any the more of him for that.

This wave of compassion resulted from a reinterpretation of the Scriptures, after archeologists found hidden in a cave in the Middle East Jesus' actual notes he was using and discovered that he had accidently left the word 'not' out when he bade those who loved him to feed his sheep.

Although cannibalism among the poor is expected to be minimal at first, fat babies are in danger. To reduce cannibalism among the poor who have nothing to eat, compassionate conservatives will offer them a new candy bar, thoughtfully called the Andy Bar, which will be mainly nuts held together with syrupy goo. This candy bar should not be confused with Mr. Goodbar. To the hungry it will look like a Zero.

The logic behind not sharing food is thinner than a Hershey bar during the Depression, which people said you could use as a razor blade. Maybe it was not logic which prompted the Musketeers in Congress to try to strike $4 billion a year from food assistance to the hungry.

I suspect these Zagnuts were making a Payday to the rich people they represent, and they apparently only represent people with Mounds of money that the politicians can get their Butterfingers on. Their Trix causes Snickers among the rest of us who believe that cutting the food-stamp program is a crock of what a Baby Ruth looks like.

Now our congressmen can turn their attention to denying medical coverage to the sick. They are not against Obamacare because it won't work, but they are against it because they are afraid it will.

Already, the cost of medical care is going down for the first time since leeches were used to cure disease. Health care exchanges, where not blocked by bellicose Republicans, have resulted in surprisingly low premiums for some.

The individual mandate, the brainchild of the conservative Heritage Foundation and originally employed by a governor named Mitt Romney, will mean that everybody will pay premiums, and not just the sick.

So until they invent a machine to beller at the president over trying to prevent coal plants from killing us, there will still be a use for Congressman Andy Barr and he can continue to rake in hundreds of thousands of dollars from the money changers who have taken over the temple of politics. If they do invent such a machine, and if Obamacare does work, soon Republicans will be as obsolete as tobacco.

I never thought I would feel sorry for House Speaker John Boehner, who would now probably be in favor of another secret court — a juvenile court to try out-of-control congressmen and put them in a home until they grow up.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrencer@bellsouth,net.

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