Larry Webster: Planet Kebler is a bit like E. Ky.

Contributing ColumnistApril 27, 2014 

It is not generally well known that two weeks before God made the Earth he tried a similar project 490 light years away, but abandoned it when he realized he had failed to put oxygen in the atmosphere which led to the quick death of the first two humans he created there, Jaxson and Kaitlyn.

After that he scaled down his project, moved over a few trillion miles and made us, perfect as we are.

That first experimental creation, in the constellation Cygnus, which was itself named after a Japanese car, was discovered this month by a telescope and instead of something catchy like "Earth" we have named it Kebler 186 f, which if you add a couple of "huts" sort of sounds like a Peyton Manning play-call.

There is speculation that this planet might be suitable for life, even though it lacks water and doesn't have a life-friendly atmosphere. Scientists say that if people can live in Eastern Kentucky under such conditions they probably could get city water on Kebler, and go around breathing hard.

On further review the planet was found to be less Earth-like. For one thing the minerals on that planet do not appear to be under the control of a very few and it doesn't appear to be rapidly warming and its deserts are not filling up with people.

God's little error in leaving out oxygen sprang from his getting distracted when trying to figure out how to create a woman that anybody could understand, one that would procreate and still get a fair sexual harassment hearing. The first woman on Kebler, Kaitlyn, was only a few hours old when she started to use the words "actually" and "issues" too much and was already starting to get on Jaxson's nerves.

The Earth-like planet which was created 6,000 years and two weeks ago is about 10 percent larger than Earth, which means that much more territory the United States would have to police so that our young Jaxsons and now young Kaitlyns would have to be willing to die for to protect the whole place from tyranny.

The smaller-sized Earth also translates into more quality time for God to devote to such things as helping individual humans find their car keys and blessing the dogs at the hunt club.

Kebler 136 f is a right smart piece from here. You cannot get there on a Carnival cruise ship, which are slower than the speed of light, or stopped altogether. If you went on a Korean ferry, the captain would jump out just about the time you hit the area where Heaven is, which is somewhere in the sky.

Now, some postulate that there are all kinds of planets in what they call the "Goldilocks Zone" — not too hot and not too cold for life — but I think that is sacrilege.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.

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