Singing while the mayor invites infidels to repent

Contributing ColumnistMay 11, 2014 

I am Senior Vice Chair of the Southeastern Kentucky I Told You So Society and am helping plan our annual meeting. We will buck the recent trend of having meetings of East Kentucky organizations in Western Kentucky.

There are many things we told you and you wouldn't listen to put on the agenda, with a fresh new one emerging every day.

60 Minutes, bless their heart, reported that a massive study of old people in California showed that the way to live past 90 is to drink alcohol, gain weight, have more sex and throw away all those vitamins.

You don't have to fly, so you don't have to drink Old Crow. You can drink Old Rabbit, and just hop around a little bit. Too much exercise kills. Hundred of Kentuckians die each year while jogging and still the legislature does nothing.

We already found out that salt is necessary, and cholesterol is good, especially if, as comedian Carl Hurley said his mother would have done had she ever heard of cholesterol: fry it. We told you so.

Also on the meeting agenda will be drug policy. We now know that the state legislature and the state police and the Commonwealth's Attorneys Association and the United States Attorney's office are responsible for bringing heroin into Eastern Kentucky, and we are not talking here about Amelia Earhart. Poppy milk has replaced the more expensive pain pill in the mountains. You can get high on horse, but if you have terminal cancer or real bad pain, your only recourse is to go to the city council meeting and pray.

During the time we have tried to see who could outdo each other in punishing drug use, during the time we paid attention to Nancy Reagan, during the time of the helicopter, during the Puritanization of Kentucky, drug addiction has skyrocketed.

We now have 67,000 children in Kentucky being raised by grandparents and a huge percentage of those cases are due to drug use or incarceration. Show me a child being raised by a grandparent and I will show you a child at risk. We told you so.

But our little group never told you that the legislature might reject some radical law about heroin because it is probably unconstitutional. Whoever heard of a legislator actually listening to the words of his oath?

That was totally unpredictable, but we did reasonably believe that the General Assembly would finally address the problem of whether a person whose middle name is Junior and who has a child and names it after himself is John Junior Smith Junior or what.

Our society will point out that if the political power of coal had not been used 25 years ago to exempt Kentucky power plants from compliance with environmental regulations, that they might still be operating and mines in Eastern Kentucky still providing jobs. We told you so.

We will also gloat about our prediction that a Supreme Court dominated by Bush-leaguers would allow public meetings to be turned into revivals, opened by prayer and closed with the city council singing Just As I Am, while the mayor invites infidels to get with the official religion.

We told you so.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at

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