Say you find yourself as a character in a Tom Hanks movie plot. Congratulations! What an opportunity.
Just be careful to steer clear of all modes of transportation.
Tom Hanks is a great actor and seems like a swell guy, but Tom Hanks in movies does not have a safe track record when it comes to travel. The latest installment in the “maybe don’t go anywhere with Tom Hanks” list is “Sully,” which opened Friday.
In the movie, Hanks is a pilot whose plane is disabled after it strikes a flock of geese. The lesson: Don’t get on a plane piloted by Tom Hanks.
That’s something we should have learned long ago. We had plenty of opportunities, and here they are. (Warning, a bunch of spoilers ahead):
“Apollo 13” (1995): Hanks, an astronaut with dreams of walking on the moon, goes into space with two crew members. But after an explosion, they abort the mission and spend the rest of the movie trying to make it home alive. Don’t get on a spacecraft with Tom Hanks.
“Cast Away” (2000): Hanks boards a FedEx plane that crashes into the Pacific Ocean during a violent storm. He hangs out on a remote island for four years and passes the time by growing a beard, catching fish and developing a close bond with a volleyball. Don’t get on a FedEx plane headed for Malaysia with Tom Hanks.
“Road to Perdition” (2002): Hanks is in the mob, and his son hides in his car and witnesses another mobster kill a guy. The son is now a murder witness, and the mobster spends the movie going after him. Don’t get into a car with Tom Hanks.
“Catch Me If You Can” (2002): Hanks chases Leonardo DiCaprio, a con artist, and when he finally catches Leo in France, he extradites him back to the United States. While they’re aboard the plane, Hanks breaks the news to Leo that his dad died the previous year. Don’t have Tom Hanks escort you on a plane home. He’ll probably tell you bad news.
“The Terminal” (2004): Hanks arrives at New York’s JFK airport from his country, Krakozhia. Upon arrival, he discovers civil war has broken out in his homeland, and the United States doesn’t recognize Hanks’ passport. Hanks, now stateless, has to live in the airport terminal for nine months. Don’t travel from a fictional former Soviet country to the United States with Tom Hanks.
“Cloud Atlas” (2012): Hanks plays a bunch of roles. In the 1800s, he is a doctor who slowly poisons an American lawyer while they’re traveling on a ship. In the 1970s, Hanks is a nuclear power plant scientist whose plane gets blown up. Don’t get on a ship or on a plane (you should know this by now) with Tom Hanks.
“Captain Phillips” (2013): Hanks is the captain of an unarmed container ship. The ship gets hijacked by Somali pirates. Don’t travel off the eastern coast of Africa on a ship with Tom Hanks.