By Gail Collins
New York Times
Happy upcoming Independence Day! Let's celebrate with a presidential primary quiz.
1. Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey is the latest Republican candidate for president. His slogan is:
A. "Telling it like it is."
B. "Yelling it like it is."
C. "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee."
D."I don't need any stupid slogan. You got a problem with that?"
2. Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, the second latest Republican to announce he's a presidential candidate:
A. Is known in New Orleans as "Les Bon Temps Bobby."
B. Said he once participated in an exorcism.
C. Gave a thrilling Republican response to the State of the Union speech.
D. Is less popular in Louisiana than anybody but Barack Obama.
3. Jeb Bush told a gathering of wealthy Manhattan financiers that his most influential adviser on the Middle East was:
A. His brother George.
B. His brother Marvin.
C. The billionaire casino magnate Sheldon Adelson.
D. "A wealthy Manhattan financier I just had a great talk with in this very room."
4. In one of her emails as secretary of state, Hillary Clinton:
A. Misspelled "Benghazi."
B. Urged John Podesta to wear socks to bed.
C. Debated whether her playlist should include something from the Marvelettes.
D. Tutored an aide on how to use a fax.
5. Which of the following statements about Mike Huckabee is NOT true?
A. Hosted an infomercial promoting a cinnamon-heavy "Diabetes Solution Kit."
B. Has trouble relating to people who don't "order fried green tomatoes for an appetizer."
C. Wrote a strange essay about rape and bondage 40 years ago, which he describes as a precursor to "Fifty Shades of Grey."
D. Enjoyed frying squirrels in a popcorn popper as a college student.
6. Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky:
A. Loves squirrels.
B. Once attempted to equate abortion rights to government support for low-flush toilets.
C. Is the son of guitar legend Les Paul.
D. Decorated his office like a scene from "Downton Abbey."
7. Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas once:
A. Put together a group of advisers who described early childhood education as a "Godless environment."
B. Tweeted a picture of himself posing with what looked like a rug made from an endangered species.
C. Demanded the return of deep-fried foods to school cafeterias. ("It's not about french fries; it's about freedom.")
D. Called for special supervision of U.S. military exercises this summer because of concerns that the soldiers might take over and confiscate everyone's guns.
8. Rick Perry has a campaign theme song that goes, "Rick Perry supporter ...
A. "... I love law and order."
B. "... Let's protect our border."
C. "... Can you spare a quarter?"
D. "... Take your hands off my daughter."
9. Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin:
A. Delivered his college valedictorian speech on women's rights.
B. Got an across-the-board endorsement from the cast of "Duck Dynasty."
C. Responded to a child's question about global warming by saying that he is a former Boy Scout who "always thought maybe campsites should be cleaner."
D. Responded to a child's question about global warming by complaining about "gotcha" inquiries.
10. Which Democrat used part of the presidential announcement speech to call for adoption of the metric system?
A. Hillary Clinton.
B. Bernie Sanders.
C. Martin O'Malley.
D. Lincoln Chafee.
11. One candidate for president seemed sure that the mass murder of nine black people in a historic black church was an attack on religion. ("What other rationale could there be?") That was:
A. Carly Fiorina.
B. Ben Carson.
C. Rick Santorum.
D. Marco Rubio.
12. Donald Trump:
A. Showed his support for the American worker by having his line of ties manufactured in Kansas.
B. Has signed up to host a repackaged quiz show called "Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire?"
C. Is vowing to "Do for America what I did for Atlantic City."
D. Says he has a secret plan to defeat ISIS but doesn't "want the enemy to know what I'm doing."
13. The first presidential primary debate, featuring the top 10 Republicans, will be in Ohio in August. It's already causing controversy because:
A. Fox News, the broadcaster, wants to raise ratings by requiring the candidates to answer questions while suspended over the Grand Canyon.
B. The governor of Ohio might not make the cut.
C. Rand Paul has called for a more millennial-friendly "Twitter-off."
D. Jeb Bush asks that all his male relatives be permitted to pass him notes.
ANSWERS 1-A; 2-B (Jindal's poll numbers are actually worse than Obama's); 3-A; 4-B; 5-C (the bondage essayist was Bernie Sanders); 6-B; 7-B (the other three are all by top officials in Texas state government); 8-B; 9-C ("Duck Dynasty" is pro-Jindal); 10-D; 11-C; 12-D (the ties are still manufactured in China); 13-B.