Yay! Donald Trump isn’t even president yet and I’m already a coal miner! God is good!
I’d barely stepped out of the voting booth before I saw the first of at least a dozen classified ads:
No college education?
No job training?
Never miss a local story.
Poor health and/or opioid addiction?
How would you like to earn $75K/yr?
Apply Now. Infinite positions available for all of eternity!
I called the number and they hired me right over the phone. So long, night classes. Peace out, Narcotics Anonymous. Thanks, Donald. Thanks, Matty Bevin. You guys are the coolest.
Oh how I’ve dreamed of this day. Finally free to reach my highest human potential, to truly #SOAR, to crawl for miles into tiny holes and retrieve chunks of things to set on fire. Hallelujah!
I got so excited I bought a house with my huge signing bonus. A big one. And matching trucks for me and my honey. Did I mention we’re getting married now? We are. Haha. All of my problems are fixed and everything is great.
Yessir. I’m a real pick-swingin’ daddy. And so are all my friends. We’re all coal miners now. Every single person in every county in all of Appalachia. Even the kids.
I dropped a $20 bill at Double Kwik the other day and just left it on the ground.
Somebody pinch me!
Ahh after all the bumper stickers and all the meme sharing it feels so good to be right about everything. I won’t say “I told you so” because I’m a bigger man than that, but, just kidding: I TOLD YOU SO, SUCKERS. Haha. Yes! Drain the swamp.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m walking on air right now. I mean, I’m literally floating. Seriously.
FACT: There are no cheaper or more efficient alternatives to coal and everybody wants to give us a bunch of money for it. FACT: Everything is perfect and it will last forever. FACT: The sudden vindication of everything I believe has given me the ability to transcend gravity and I can now hover approximately three feet above the ground. Sometimes higher depending on how many pizza rolls are in my lunch pail.
Did I say “drain the swamp,” yet? I’m so happy I can’t remember. Anyway, here’s a really loud one just in case. DRAIN THE SWAMP.
Man, this is so awesome. I’m so excited I slept in my new work coveralls, floating, of course, to keep them from getting wrinkled. And when the dragon came, the giant scaly one with the Barack Obama face and the Hillary Clinton hair, me and Donald Trump and Matt Bevin just linked up our power ports and morphed into a solid gold continuous miner that chewed it up and spit its guts out all over the football field where I scored the winning touchdown in overtime and the captain of the cheerleaders unfurled her angel wings and flew us up to the biscuits-and-gravy bed in the belltower of her pleasure castle and told me I was mommy’s favorite little boy.
It almost feels like a dream but it’s real. It’s really real this time!
Coleman Larkin of Greasy Creek in Pike County is a writer, artist and cook.