It is very likely that Tie Rod will spend Christmas — not in jail, like he once did — but chain-locked in a stall in Figgy Puddin’s barn, where he was imprisoned last night after he got drunk at her Christmas party and loudly announced that Donald Trump is a Russian spy.
His captors were a bunch of out-of-work coal miners who firmly believe that Herr Trumpenfuhrer will have them all working without regulation the evening shift of Jan. 21 and will let them keep their guns.
Tie Rod is not hardly a red-state convert yet, and has had to sit and watch as coal miners have joined forces with their enemies, who want to get rid of all the programs that the very poor have to rely on to get by. And if they keep finding natural gas under every rock in the world, they will soon be the very poor, and it won’t have a thing to do with President Barack Obama or the Environmental Protection Agency.
There are 300 millions guns in America and most of them are closeted in three or four counties around Tie Rod’s East Kentucky holler.
Never miss a local story.
Despite the fact that there were three or four times as many guns sold under Obama than under any other president, somebody has got these National Rifle Association types believing that they are going to be disarmed and left to their personal courage and wits to get by.
Tie Rod has a habit of truthiness, especially when he has over-nogged. But in the new era, truth is whatever you can get somebody to believe, and he hates Trump for not paying his workers and taking the bankrupt law and running around bragging about it.
If Trump were a Kentuckian who did that, they would name university buildings after him.
Tie Rod got the partiers riled up a little when he started out by proclaiming that Trump and his Republican apologists didn’t give the behind of those little critters feeding in Figgy’s tack room about coal miners.
To prove his point, he reminded his cohorts that the new secretary of energy is an avid oil and gas man, and that the new secretary of state is an even avider oil and gas man, and that Senator Howdy Doody and his cohorts have joined to block any effort to release all those millions of dollars to help unemployed coal miners.
That’s when they started rioting and chased Tie Rod through the new ground. Tie Rod runs even less well drunk than he does sober and soon he was hauled into that stall and chained in, from where all he could do was to join in the singing of “Christmas Time’s a’ Comin’” from a distance as the party band, Special Ed and the Short Bus, cranked it up.
Figgy’s clean-urine sales business was down somewhat in 2016 because of all those young people dying of what their parents called heart attacks, but when you read the paper up here and a person in their 30s died, you pretty well know what it was.
Plus, the mountain people are natural-born chemists and have come up with novel ways to beat a pee test. And a lot of them are perfectly happy to let their mommas and daddies raise their young’uns.
County judges used to rule the mountains, but now it is social workers.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.