Tens of thousands of people who watched the Cabinet meeting on television and were sickened by sycophancy (for some of you: “about to throw up over all that forced bragging,” for others: “psycho fancy”) decided right then and there to become drug addicts.
They will need guidance into the drug world. If you pull up to a drug dealer’s house and ask for Mary Jane, he will think you are Lindsay Graham. You gotta know the terms.
Adderall: This is the drug for which Red Bull is the gateway. Helps kids pay attention. In my day they weren’t required to. Just ask for a Study Buddy.
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Bath salts: You can get these at a truck stop or your friendly cleaning chemical store. They are called white lightning in other parts, but a hillbilly who asks for white lightning might accidentally get something which has different chemicals.
Cocaine: If you hear the words “toot,” “blow” or “snow,” it ain’t necessarily somebody telling what the president likes to do. Some call it crack, but don’t call it that because you will get longer in the pen.
Crystal meth: For those who don’t want to wait long enough for global warming to kill them, this is an excellent choice. Look for a woman in a lab coat and no teeth. Ask her for some “tweak” or “ice.”
Ecstasy: This is the go-to drug. It makes people feel connected to each other, until they come down and realize those aren’t the kinds of people anybody wants to be connected to. But if you must take it to a party, ask your local trader for “hug drug” or “scooby snacks.” If he brings out Little Debbie, you know he is a fake drug dealer.
Heroin: Not to be confused with Amelia Earhart, who also ran out of gas. It is also not to be confused with “hillbilly heroin,” which you get from your doctor, if you are willing to drive to Georgia or Texas. “Skag,” “horse,” “smack.” You’ll just have to find out what the locals call it.
Lorcet and its double first cousin Lortab: A Lorcet is call a “school bus” or a “big yeller.” A Lortab is called a “green bean,” I guess because you either get strung or canned. Either one makes you want to get in another car wreck.
OxyContin: It has done much to ease overpopulation. It will make you an oxymoron or a pillho. “O.C.” will do for a name.
Suboxone: Ask for “box.” It is for those who have chosen a life where one of the “la’s” has been removed from “La La Land.” Perpetual rehab. I feel fairly good.
Xanax: Called a “purple football” by the cognoscenti they are more blue than purple. Some call them an “upjohn,” which should have been what Viagra was named. This is what they call a nerve pill, about which my friend Check reports: “I never did like a nerve pill much, unless I’m aggravated.”
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrencer