The new amusement park, Four Arks over Williamstown, will have to decide whether to go with the Bible or with Bishop Stillingfleet who, when asked to square scientific facts with a literal interpretation of the Bible, said: "The insuperable difficulties connected with the belief that all the existing species of animals were provided for in the ark are obviated if we assume that the deluge did not extend beyond the region of the earth then inhabited, and that only the animals of that region were preserved in the ark."
It would be a lot easier to get the animals of Grant County into a boat 450 feet long, 75 feet broad and 45 feet high than to herd up all the animals of the world, which are numerous. There just aren't that many animals in Grant County now. There are a few cows, an occasional pepperoni-bound goat or bacon-bound pig, some dogs, and a hamster or two. When you save two dogs for an ark, I assume they would be golden retrievers. The Ark Park aardvark cannot go into the ant room. Resist the temptation to swat those two flies.
Wouldn't it be easier to buy one of those stranded cruise ships from Carnival and use it? You might have to saw it off to the right number of cubits, but you would already have all the little rooms laid off. The spider room, the snake room, the bacteria room, the fly room, the dung beetle room would all be right there near a casino, ready in case Christian tourists, who will believe anything if it makes little enough sense, decide to gamble some more.
There are three more arks available for the Ark Park. They could make a box out of Grant County bulrushes and put a live baby in it and float it at the edge of the ark pond and have Pharaoh's daughter, not the real one but an actress, go down in the reeds and fish Moses out every hour, on the hour, whereupon he could part the waters of Eagle Creek.
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Another theme ark would be the chest or cupboard in Jewish synagogues in which are placed the scrolls of the Torah. It would need to be against the wall in whatever direction Jerusalem is from Grant County, and would be there if anybody wanted to look up land titles in Palestine.
But the main ark to get is the Ark of the Covenant, the sacred chest which the Israelites took with them on their journey into Palestine, first time, not this time. This box, last seen with Indiana Jones, is only a little over 3 feet by 2 feet, and carried what was the law in the old days. The big ark couldn't carry the law now. The Ark of the Covenant, like theme parks catering to those who don't believe in evolution or who believe that all the animals of the world went into a small boat, is lined with gold.
Noah didn't have his three boys until he was 500 years old, and that is just too old to raise kids. He lived until he was 950 years old, and for some 350 years after the flood discovered the art of making wine and appears to be the first person ever to get drunk. We can only assume all this will be duly and accurately presented at Billtown.
All ancient cultures near the sea have legends of a big flood, which apparently came about 13,000 years ago when the ice melted, even though the mineral holders of 13,000 years ago said it wouldn't happen. The Chaldeans, the Hindus and the Greeks all had counterparts of Noah, the first ancestor of the new race of men who should people the Earth after the flood. Noah gets the edge over this bunch, though, for inventing wine.
Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney.