Tie Rod said he wants what is right for America, if he knew what it was.
His goal for America is that it not go so broke that it quits sending him checks. He would be happy now with even keeping the same size checks. He just resents having to pay for the government he does get and would rather have somebody else pay for it.
Tie Rod was injudicious one night with some Eastern Kentucky liquid folk art and passed out on the kitchen table with the television on. That is how, one Sunday morning, when he came to — clearheaded as moonshine leaves you if you ever do sober up — he came to hear a Nobel Prize-winning economist say that to create jobs the government has to spend more and not less and that cutting the budget in hard times extended the Great Depression.
This appealed to Tie Rod, who had been taught in Sunday School to hate Herbert Hoover.
Never miss a local story.
If he paid any, Tie Rod would resent the fact that the rich get out of paying taxes. Tie Rod thinks it's funny that to get back at Bill Clinton and the Democrats for renaming "spending" to "investing" that the Republicans made up a new name for the rich, which is "job creators."
The job creators pay tax at about half the rate as workers, and this bothers Tie Rod, who wanted to talk to his senator, but only got to see him on television in a 20-second sound bite say something like, "If we shell out more corn to the rich, everybody else will have a lot more cobs to eat."
When he realized that the rich were not going to pay tax or create jobs, and that they were now running things, he wondered if maybe somebody of low education could be of help in getting the tax burden equalized and getting more money in too.
He came up with a right good plan. Here's how it works: In the future, employers will not pay wages, and workers would work absolutely free. Instead, the boss would give them a stock certificate when they started working and every two weeks would buy it back from them for whatever price that the worker would have made by the hour if he had been working that way.
Then workers would not have wages; they would have a capital gain. And, presto, they would be taxed at the low rate of the rich. They would be different from the rich, because they would have to actually do something for their capital gains.
You could call yourself a job creator, whether you created any jobs or not.
After a spell of everybody paying the same, Congress would have to act because the government would have no money to start wars with and bad credit. Then the revenue side of things would be solved.
Tie Rod will call his new tax consulting service H&R Blockhead, and if it gets big he dreams of a corporate jet exempt from tax, mineral depletion loopholes and maybe getting to talk to his senator.
House Speaker John Boehner, which Tie Rod pronounces with a long 'o,' reminds Tie Rod of somebody he can't really remember who. But it was probably a guy around a bar or a party or a golf course who smoked too much and had a drink in his hand and talked loud.
As far as looks, Tie Rod thinks Michelle Bachmann can't carry water to Sarah Palin, who Tie Rod says is avoiding debates because she can't think of what to say.
Mr. Bachmann cures gays, but they have to want to be cured, and Tie Rod is not sure that it is a good idea to put all those extra men into competition for what women still like men.
Women love gay men so much already that if one of them got cured, a regular guy wouldn't have a chance.
Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney.