Rick Perry, from a state in which it hasn't rained since 2003, was announcing that there is no such thing as global warming when he fell into one of those drought cracks and starved to death before he hit the bottom.
He says that thousands of jobs have been created in Texas and that may be true because I know a guy down there who has three of them. Perry thinks he can have a positive influence on the nation's monetary policy by beating up the chairman of the Federal Reserve.
Mitt Romney hopes to become the first president named "Willard," but if he fails can go back to either one of his two former jobs, one of which was standing in store windows in a suit and the other was buying United States corporations (people) like junk cars and selling off the parts and letting the jobs go to some Buddhist place.
His trying to distinguish his Massachusetts health care law from its federal counterpart, known as Obamacare, is koanish like what is the sound of one hand clapping. Romney has proven himself a modern Mormon by only marrying one woman at a time.
This guy Huntsman also has that presidential look and speaks Mandarin, which is some sort of strange orange section language, but his chances in the election depend on whom Warren Jeffs endorses.
Michele Bachmann worked for the IRS as a tax collector, but didn't show up much for work and thus feels no obligation to advertise that. She now feels that tax is unnecessary, at least for the rich. She hopes to become the first president since Darwin (you probably forgot about President Darwin) who doesn't believe in evolution, putting her firmly in the 40 percent of Americans who are ignorant, but heaven-bound. She sees earthquake and hurricane as punishment to the Northeast for false doctrine.
To be elected, Michele, ma belle, will probably have to beat Sarah Palin, the former mayor of a small town in Alaska where they taught meth making in high school chemistry labs and who, in a previous campaign couldn't remember the name of a magazine or a Supreme Court case. She thought Roe v. Wade were alternative methods of getting through Vermont.
The other Rick, from Pennsylvania, is named after a tuberculosis hospital, and is the darling of all 20 conservative people from his state, which failed to re-elect him to the Senate, thus propelling him to higher office.
To distinguish himself from Perry, he will put the 'y' back on his name. We could use a president named Ricky.
Or Ronny, Randy's daddy.
Most of us find Paul appealing, but some find him appalling. He came within a dozen or so votes of winning the Iowa caucus by saying sensible things like surrender in the war on drugs and quit starting regular wars. There is something a little too American about him.
Herman Cain wants to go from being a pizza mogul to being godfather of the country. The novelty of a black president may have worn off a little, but you have to give anybody credit who can take about 25 cents worth of dough, goat meat and jalapenos and sell it for $10.99.
I think maybe Newt Gingrich is running too, but you can't tell it by the polls or caucus results. He is running a David Williams-type campaign, which is based on the hope that his opponent will be caught with a farm animal, or that people will riot in the streets if they don't have mandatory foot washing before Bell County football games.
That praying before a game sometimes works. I remember that time Owen County beat Williamstown in the District. I don't believe we could have done that unless the principal had prayed for victory the day of the game at assembly.
Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney.