They say President Barack Obama deliberately stayed on the Ohio side of the river to promise people that if they supported him he would build them a bridge or work on their old one.
If he did say that in Kentucky he better get on the down-river side of I-75 because that little road separates the federal courts of Kentucky into the Eastern District and the Western District.
That kind of political promise is Assistant U.S. Attorney Ken Taylor-made to get you indicted upriver where it is thought that we mountaineers are so corrupt we must be occupied by the federal establishment.
The Brent Spence Bridge, thought to have been cracked by a George Foster longball in 1975, was apparently named after somebody named Brent Spence, but only three people who cross it every day know who he was or what he did, unlike Sherman Minton of the Sherman Minton Bridge. Everybody knows what the senator and Supreme Court justice did.
Up here in the hills, we name culverts and one-lane wooden bridges after people, a rare few of whom are people of accomplishment or dead soldiers. But most are local pro-coal rogues with money or pull.
Both the Cincinnati and the Louisville bridges beg the question of why anybody would want to go over to Ohio or Indiana in the first place — places where you can look so far and see so little, and where the chili tastes like pumpkin pie.
If the Jobs Act fails, and the bridge over the Ohio falls in to protect the right of the millionaire not to be taxed, the operators of the Valley View Ferry out Tates Creek Pike will offer ferry service with a pole boat for the 180,000 daily cars and trucks — four at a time.
Republicans are salivating. Here are their goals:
■ In the next 13 months get the economy to collapse and blame President George W. Bush's maxi-recession on Obama.
■ Every time the president tries a stimulus, water it down until it is sure to fail.
■ Cut spending at a time when all economists say spend more.
■ Follow the Bible toward the one state solution by helping Israel make settlements in Cairo and Tehran.
■ Keep subtly reminding people that Obama is black.
If they all stick together on this, Republicans have the prospect of getting us another Texan in the White House, with free college for Mexicans.
Maybe Gov. Rick Perry will bring back Dick Cheney, whose new book points out just how often the black people in the Bush administration were wrong, too.
I would not be surprised if Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu turns out to be the Republican nominee, unless he wants to continue to run things from behind the scenes, or go over the head of our president to keep on seizing land from Arabs to give to people they hate, claiming God as a title source.
He might be better than one of those Latter Day guys who think the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Maybe the Ozarks. Certainly not Branson.
Because Pike County schools shone in statewide testing, proving that the surest path to educational success is school board politics, I think we should turn over management of the country entirely to the Pike County Board of Education, or maybe even hire highway developer Leonard Lawson to run the United States with one of his companies, whose books and records are now a fire hazard.
But what do I know?
My wife told me Kentucky's top cash crop this year is going to be soybeans, and I don't even know what you do with them. Do you put onions in them? Somebody said you put soy in a wok, but I thought that a wok is what you fwoe at a wabbit.
Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at email@example.com.