Any problem that cannot be solved by man can be solved by a commission.
Our governor, a great commissioner, is thinking if a realistic goal of Kentucky over, say, the next 20 years, would be to move us up to the Second Worst Run State in America.
This requires a commission, if anything ever did. It's just, who do you put on it?
The governor must act because 24/7 Wall St., a financial news service, put out a study that says we are the worst run of the 50 states.
He has the name, WRSE, which is an anachronym, and one or the other of them is a Korean car, if I am not mistaken.
To solve moving up to the second worst run state, you have to have a catchy name, like D.A.R.E., which was a main cause of the drug crisis and UNITE, which is busting up federalism.
WRSE stands for Worst Run State Ever, and will try to figure out how to move us up from the bottom, which is an idea itself of some controversy, because some of us started out at the bottom and kind of liked it there.
Others say our bad debt rating, high unemployment, high violent crime rate, low median income and the fact that one of our congressional districts voted itself the unhappiest place in America are bad statistics, blipped by a sudden, unexplained rise in the horrible crime of cutting a carriage seat.
But you do have to have some help. The two people who run the state now so well as to make us a laughingstock are running against each other for governor, so we need help quick.
But, as we said, the problem is who to put on the commission. The governor realized that if he appointed the normal people who run the state to the commission, like all the other commissions get, that would not work. If they had sense enough to figure out how to move us up to number 49, we would not be 50th now.
One possibility is to just let the coal industry totally run the state, like it does in West Virginia, which came in 12 slots higher than us, at 38th worst-run state. Don Blankenship could leapfrog California and maybe get us up in the mid-forties, and those Kentucky companies could continue to discharge 40 times the legal limit of mineral discharge into the watershed.
Do you only put people from Lexington on WRSE? Lexington is the fifth-best city in America, according to Parenting magazine, and they do a pretty good job of managing horse stuff. But then you realize that most governors are from Lexington, so we'd better look somewhere else. Maybe if Lexington doesn't let the coal industry decide who its representative will be, we can give them another chance.
Or we could accept the Saturday-morning coffee club at McDonald's on South Lime to make recommendations on how to move us up. They have examined traffic lights being put in where there is no electricity and other such atrocities and would be willing to run the state, if they could do it from there at the table.
In many civilizations confronted with grave problems, the spiritual leaders would be consulted, but not when the Anti-Omm head of the teachers school for the official state religion manifestos against stretching and concentration, which he said are inconsistent with Jesus, whom we know walked a lot and sometimes rode on his ass, but we don't know if he stretched much or not, except there at the last.
Stretching is far more tolerable to Baptists than concentration, a rarefied form of thinking; and thinking should be halted just before the questions begin.
This fall weekend is when you are supposed to go to Berea and see Loyal and listen to the music of the 'D' listers, the musicians who bear the culture of our region and sometimes seem to be its only protectors.
These are the ones who would not disrespect themselves or their music by standing beneath the banner of the moneychangers.
Their kind will not be on the commission.
Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney.