There might be somebody somewhere on Earth less interested in the Grammy's and the music of Whitney Houston than Tie Rod, but he doubts it.
But Tie Rod does watch the country music award shows so he will know what to wear to Stockholm if he wins the Nobel Prize in Economics because of his research into Moon Pie Ratio Theory, a theory which came to Tie Rod under a tree while half way through a banana Double Moon Pie.
Previous to his flash of insight, mountain science had been baffled by the mystery as to why Double Moon Pies taste so much better than single Moon Pies. Tie Rod discovered that the ratio of marshmallow to cake is two to one in a single and three to two in a double. And from that simple concept of ratio improvement of food, thousands got jobs reconfiguring Oreos, baloney sandwiches and sausage biscuits.
If he does win the Nobel Prize, Tie Rod is going to go on with his studies and try to figure out some reason that poor people should be taxed at a higher rate than rich people and then he might become the leading economic adviser to President Mitt Romney.
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Tie Rod wants to stop by Amsterdam on his way to Stockholm, before he gets too old to take advantage of Amsterdam. He just doesn't want to go by cruise boat. That is not to say that he did not have sympathy for Captain Scippitto. Tie Rod has hit the rocks while showing off plenty of times himself and said that if he had been the captain, he would have quit that job about the same time as old Skip did. When you have endangered yourself and others, it is probably best to go ahead and save yourself.
Tie Rod says all you hear about nowadays is fannies and he wonders what interest the government has in the "left behind" of a child. When Slemp told him that somebody named Fannie Mae paid Gingrich $1.6 million for a book report, he wished he had learned how to do a book report better himself.
But Tie Rod says he will believe a corporation is a person when Texas executes one. Tie Rod says that Staples may hire a lot of people, but not as many as they have put out of the office supply business in small towns. And "safety net" means his check and he is not sure if Romney will take it or not, and is not sure if Romney is a robot.
As far as Mormons believing that Missouri is the Garden of Eden, Tie Rod says that is probably because of Branson, and the fact that Dan'l Boone was able to get away from lawyers there.
Tie Rod wanted to become a consultant to the chicken-fighting industry and get several hundred thousand dollars off them to get them an even larger benefit from the General Assembly, but that plan was thwarted when somebody reminded him that he had to get elected to the legislature first.
He doesn't want to be in the legislature because he is against gambling and figures he would end up with a horse's head on his feather tick. He is curious as to which family Kentucky will be under.
But mainly Tie Rod swaggers, because the Cats do. He was conflicted when Duke played North Carolina. He wanted one team or the other to win the game on a last second three, but he couldn't figure out which one. He does pray nightly that all Tar Heels and Blue Devils get polio. He alley-oops himself to sleep at night, and swats away at his wife's head, blocking shots. He is thinking of putting a hyphen between Tie and Rod and wishes that one kid would quit playing like a white guy.
Larry Webster is a Pikevville attorney. Reach him at email@example.com.