Last week, Moses Lowe of the Brushy Fork of Johns Creek told me a 65-year-old, one-room schoolhouse story which pretty well explains the election.
Moses attended the Monte Lowe Grade School and the teacher, Dewey Elkins, chewed tobacco and had developed a method of opening up the pot bellied stove, sticking his head behind the door and jabbing at the fire with a poker and spitting at the same time he poked, to keep the sound down.
Moses caught his teacher doing this, and in an act of revenge, the teacher had Moses up on a 10-inch platform where the teacher's desk was, whipping him. While over the knees of the teacher, being whipped, Moses reached down and untied Dewey's shoes and then tied them back together.
So when Dewey's revenge ended. Moses' started. Dewey, tied up like chickens on moving day, went to get up and fell down off the platform and sprawled across eight grades.
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While the spitters and pokers were whipping Barack Obama, the president was tying their shoes together.
All the people who voted for Obama and half the people who voted for Republican Mitt Romney want the real rich to pay more taxes, if they can come up with it. There was an election about that very thing and one side won. Studies have shown minimal, if any, connection between fairly taxing Boehner's Whiners (renamed job creators because they could if they wanted to) and the economy. So what is the problem? Feet tied together.
The big toe on one Republican foot is the Senate minority leader, who during this latest revival rededicated himself to the failure of the president and thus the country, all out of principle, his one and only principle, the placing of supreme power in the hands of a small exclusive class.
What if they do change the Senate rules and make people talk out loud if they are going to filibuster? What if Sen. Mitch McConnell had to deliver 30 hours of talk to thwart the will of the people? That would be more than 5,400 consecutive 20-second sound bites.
That would be better than agreeing with the president on something that might work. You cannot get back in power that way. And there stands Grover, daring them to come over.
And over there, cheering on the Cats, is a movie star, a flower pot that wants to be a garden. Momma, she's crazy.
The other Republican foot is pretty bad to be tied to from a political standpoint. It used to be that a tea party involved little old blue-headed women eating Benedictine and other intolerably light fare. Now the concept stands for a gaggle whose political and moral purity is so refined as to give it leave to command the course of America, which includes finding a cure for homosexuality and evolution, getting our own version of Sharia law, using the Bible for a road map, giving visitation to rapists who father babies and using pelts for money.
They have all but taken whipping out of public schools, and that is because some people were unduly interested in it, but mainly they stopped whipping people in school after the Moses Lowe saga grew to be a legend and teachers feared having their feet tied together. Now one can only read about such stuff in best sellers, shamelessly appearing on coffee tables around America. Decaffeinated coffee tables, of course.
Larry Webster is a Pikeville lawyer.