Because of the Kentucky version of the Scopes monkey trials and the triumph of Ken Ham, the youngest son of Noah, we all now know that the Earth was formed 6,000 years ago, on a Monday.
Ham is either the brother of Shem and Japheth, or possibly the cured thigh of a hog. If a son of Noah, Ham was one of three people from whom the Earth after the Deluge was peopled. If a hog part, his ancestor was also on the ark with a prize sow, the mother of all bacon.
God made man on a Saturday, after his own image, God being a man himself and all. Some people think God might have been a woman, but they should be put to death. We are not sure who made God. Man cannot make a worm, but creates gods every day. Creationists try not to think about where God came from and Big Bangers try not to think about where the stuff came from that banged.
The three sons of Noah, who had to repopulate, were following in the path of Cain and Abel, who were so desperate to populate they must have had to turn to incest, but what do you expect with everybody running around nekkid? Ham's Creation Museum would get a lot more visitors if Eve's hair were better positioned.
Now a new guy is trying to build him an ark, right up there in Northern Kentucky, America's version of the Holy Land. Just like the last ark guy, he is having trouble getting up lumber, even though millions of dollars of public tax money has been pledged to help him — something God is, no doubt, proud of his politicians for.
Forty-two percent of Americans do not believe in science. They do not believe in climate change either, or that is what they said before a lot of them froze to death this winter or went months without a drink of water. Not believing in science is probably why they won't send money to the ark guy.
Drought is what is going to kill us next time, and you don't need to be on a big boat during drought. You can actually be around a lot of water and still not get a drink. That's called doing the Charleston. Some of us like licorice and it would taste better than the chlorine we drink in the mountains to replace the mountain water our coal companies took away from us while our governors cheered and lied to our miners and promised them 200 years of good times.
They speak of Gov. Steve Beshear being on a national ticket, or actually that is probably him recommending himself. If he would rather be vice president than take over for the Cigar Store Indian for his next career, then he'd better start hunting out and burning all those speeches in which he championed mountaintop removal, stream pollution and other ideas which Hillary's voters haven't warmed to. He might also throw away the hair spray.
Things are changing, even if not among the fundamentalists who insist on teaching their children to be ignorant and who claim in the same sentence that they are humble and also talk to and understand God. Kentucky is about to favor medical marijuana. Heroin is a gateway drug to marijuana.
We are about to adopt same-sex marriage. That latter concept may explain how Cain and Abel reproduced and why they couldn't get along.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.