The debate about immigration took a strange twist this past week when border guards discovered that thousands of young children were trying to go south.
When a high number of these refugees seemed to have Wildcat bookbags, some were detained and questioned, and that was when it was determined that they were the children of Eastern Kentucky coal miners trying to sneak into Guatemala for a better life.
Their parents had sent them to Central America for various reasons — to get them away from drug violence and Obamacare — and because the climate down there is warmer than the Mars-like weather of Central Appalachia.
It just isn't safe in Kentucky.
With a recent $90 million shortfall in our budget, there is a real danger that the pot-copters will run out of gas and fall and cut somebody. And nobody would want to raise a child in one of the 10 most corrupt states in the nation, or a state that would deny to its people one of its most basic rights — the right to skyboxes.
But the main reason for the children's march was public humiliation, unfairly inflicted on Kentucky on national television by people who think too much when one of our leaders claimed that the climate on Earth is the same as the climate of Mars, to prove his thesis that global warming is just a big lie started by a floe-less polar bear.
Because there is no coal mining on Mars, at least not now, it appears that Mars has already been stripped and had its mountains removed, Rep. Brandon Smith (R.-Coal) compared and declared. He compared the weather on Mars and Earth and said they were the same and then declared that proves the non-existence of climate change.
All over the nation, commentators who had never been to either Mars or Hazard and so do not know what the weather is in either place, started ridiculing the parents of those refugee children for disseminating questionable meteorological data.
Maybe there is a slight difference of a couple hundred degrees in the temperatures of Earth and Mars, but nonetheless parents started hustling their kids off toward Honduras, where it is warmer than either Mars or Vicco.
Vicco must have been hard to leave, being one of few cities in the state to have a fairness ordinance, which, in practical terms, gives that one gay guy there the same right not to work that everybody else has.
It is a shame that people have to leave Kentucky. Any place where it is worth spending $100 million to elect a senator ought to be worth staying in. Maybe if we spend $200 million to elect a senator, we might get one with enough foresight to anticipate the obsolescence of coal and do something about the future other than blaming the colored guy.
We now know that a large hunk of political loot hoarded by the incumbent senator — which he is using to make the president of the United States into his opponent's Willie Horton — was provided to him by enemies of coal — namely gas-passing frackers — and that he has not turned down money from anti-coal interests.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney at firstname.lastname@example.org.