Tie Rod was about to vote for Alison L. until he found out that she went to the prom with Barack Obama and that she had personally smuggled 46,000 aliens across the Mexican border in the trunk of her car and hauled them directly to the welfare office.
He can see the bright side of the immigration problem, though.
A lot of childless people in Kentucky will have the opportunity to adopt a Mexican child, one of those beautiful little brown-eyed babies who are American citizens because they were born here, because their parents, illegals, are among the 480,000 we are sending back south each year, leaving their children in foster homes.
So,Tie Rod is wavering about the election.
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But not about some things. He has absolutely ruled out going to Liberia, or to the emergency room in Texas. If we send troops into West Africa to help in the Ebola crisis, Tie Rod says there will be more desertions than there were in the Vietnam era. Imagine being a soldier now and wondering if they were going to send you to Africa to wear a space suit, or to Iraq, where if you lose a battle you get your head cut off.
He has also ruled out being an aid worker, or anything else in Syria, because he is over-fond of his head, and if he gets killed, wants to be killed in one piece. He is not sure what a caliphate is, but fears it is too much like Southern Baptists. He thinks the president ought to call it ISIS like everybody else, or at least explain the ISIL thing.
Tie Rod was glad that 248,000 new jobs were created in the country last month because one of his friends has three of them. He would like to see the minimum wage raised without at the same time destroying the Dollar Menu. In his area more people are making the minimum than are not, so a raise would boost his local economy, even if it did hurt the Goodwill store. Something needs to be done as there is nothing left to steal.
He is also glad that gay marriage is still illegal in Kentucky because he doesn't like those wedding announcements and can't exactly figure out what those people do on their honeymoons. You cannot discriminate against gays in Vicco, in Tie Rod's country, but you can in Berea, the cradle of civilization, where the city rejected a fairness ordinance because they already had too much to do without getting involved with complaints brought by whiny people, men wearing pastels or women with flattops and khakis.
Tie Rod doesn't want others to discriminate, but would like to be free to do so himself. For instance, he doesn't judge people by the color of their skin. He judges them by whether their hair is real curly or their noses kind of flat.
Tie Rod can understand why the people at the Ark Park would want $17 million in public money but would not want to hire tour guides who didn't believe what they were telling tourists and might not be able to keep a straight face when declaring that the ark contained two of all the animals on Earth, including two of each of the 147,000 kinds of flies.
If Tie Rod had been Noah, he would have swatted those flies.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at email@example.com.