Je suis Joel Pett.
But I will get up and run if swarthy men come into a room where we both are. That room would probably be a meeting of OHEC, the Office of the Humor Exporting Cartel, which meets from time to time to try and figure out how to offend more people by telling the truth.
The worldwide outrage over Charlie has caused millions around the world to reaffirm the basic human right to make fun of prophets and saviors and pudgy dictators. That came just in time to save me personally from being gang rejected by droves of the feminist women in the world.
As outrageous comedienne Sarah Silverman put it, they were notorious non-complainers when subjected in their early years to unwanted sexual contact, but have matured into jihadists taking out on me their frustration that the University of Virginia rape story turned out to be largely fiction.
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I suspect it is difficult to draw a caricature of the Prophet Muhammad, because, unlike Jesus, we do not know what the prophet looked like.
Jesus, on the other hand, looked like Russell Brand, the Englishman who has volunteered to lead the latest American revolution. We know Jesus from all those pictures of him behind the pulpit, all of which look like each other. Faith prevents us from speculating that Jesus actually might have resembled George Costanza's father.
Our problem now is the exact same one that Muslims have with us. We have to figure out how to tell good Islam from bad Islam, just as they must tell regular Christianity from radical Christianity.
What is odd, though, is that our main difference, and the reason they all hate us, is America's foolhardy and rather lonely defense of radical Judaism, the tenets of which allow the appropriation of Muslim land.
I have offered a solution to unrest in the Middle East, but so far nobody seems to want to do it. I would warn the inhabitants of Jerusalem that they have one year to move, and after that year I would bomb all the holy sites, level that city, turn the remains into a waste dump for nuclear fuel and then see if Arab and Jew still wanted to fight over it.
The dramatic drop in oil prices makes it safer for us to offend several billion people who live atop oil and who, despite being hell-bound, follow a religion different from our official one. That drop also calls into question the wisdom of the Keystone XL (extra large) pipeline, and whether or not we should turn the United States into a right-of-way.
I have a feeling we will soon need all that water in the Ogallala aquifer.
But now that elk have taken over Eastern Kentucky and we must start getting rid of them, we might just put a fence on either side of the Keystone pipeline and use it as a chute to run those elk back to Canada where they belong.
That might allow an ancient species which has all but been driven out by coal and its right of way to return to Eastern Kentucky — namely, farmers.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.