Tie Rod has been laying up nights and worrying about what might happen in Indiana, but it wasn't ball that was on his mind. It wasn't the sad fact that the NCAA was won by a team wearing blue and white uniforms with the letters 'u' and 'k' on the front.
No, he was very worried that flower shops might not serve gay people at their weddings. He supposes you might find a flower shop somewhere with a gay person in it, but probably not in Indiana.
He likes the new laws in Indiana and Missouri which seem to allow preachers to refuse to perform marriage ceremonies for two people with the same equipment. These laws, he thinks, will keep preachers from having to lie all the time at weddings like they do all the time at funerals.
Last week some guy in the Holy Land says he found the burial box of Jesus but says there was a wife and child in there also. Tie Rod was somewhat relieved that the wife body in there was a woman and not one of the disciples.
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There was a show on KET here a while back about how God came about, how we went from several gods down to the one main one. However, this show explained that when the idea of a single God came about it was thought he was married. God having a wife would explain tornados and floods and a lot of other things to Tie Rod.
Tie Rod doesn't feel that Eastern Kentucky will be much threatened if that new law in France which makes it illegal to be real thin comes across the water. About all the thin women in his area are on meth, and, instead of models, are bad examples. They might model false teeth. Being model thin and short of teeth amounts to probable cause.
This is the season of new laws, new things illegal, new things to go to the pen for a long time if you do them. When Tie Rod was a boy and went anywhere on the highway, he was on the back of a cattle truck standing in manure, holding on for dear life, swallowing bugs. Somehow or another, he thinks that was better than strapping a half-grown kid into an astronaut chair. Safety, even for a child, is an illusion.
For a long time, Tie Rod thought all that talk on the radio about the legislature and keeping us safe from heroin had to do with Amelia Earhart; but when his own wife set up a flea market table selling used syringes, he knew something was up. He doesn't like the idea of heroin, but does appreciate that new whiskey for old men called Old Fitzgeritol.
But for Hillbilly Days, coming up this week, Tie Rod prefers what he calls liquid folk art — clear, with no strawberry or peach. He thinks putting strawberries and peaches in moonshine ruins strawberries and peaches and moonshine. He likes his moonshine aged, at least three weeks old, so powerful that one sip will make a hard-shell preacher fall from grace.
His goal at Hillbilly Days is to get almost drunk, a goal he usually overachieves.