You would think that revelations that agents of the Drug Enforcement Administration were getting free sex at parties paid for partly by American taxpayers and mainly by the Colombian drug cartels would discourage youth.
But school principals report that at career days across the country thousands of high school kids are wanting in the DEA. They just don't realize that sex is never free. They ought to go into politics and just let lobbyists get them drunk free.
The students particularly good at lying ought to consider becoming FBI laboratory examiners. It was reported that all but two of about 25 FBI agents who testified about CSI kinds of stuff lied or exaggerated at trials, during which some defendants were given the death penalty.
You can forgive them. All that hair looks alike, and besides, in the federal system, defendants are presumed guilty anyway. Law enforcement witnesses exaggerate all the time and judges and juries pretend to believe them.
Never miss a local story.
Much more exaggeration will be necessary to convict now that the Supreme Court has ruled that cops cannot use the excuse of a traffic stop to sic those drug dogs on people's cars.
Being a free American citizen these days means that you must fail to impress a dog. Our system of justice has gone to the dogs, but the Supremes have spayed it a little.
I once tried to sneak an apple back into the country at an airport, and a little pup about the size of a hamster sniffed it out and even told the handler it was an apple.
Even the Secret Service is getting drunk and ramming barriers at the White House. They have great parties in foreign countries, too.
Police are going to have to be more careful when shooting unarmed black persons in the back or paralyzing them in the back of a police van. They could get fined or something for that sort of conduct in this new age in which every single thing a person does is on film.
They will have to learn to chase people off camera range and to carry an extra pistol to plant on the dead person they just policed.
But it seems like now that every time some dark-skinned kid gets killed for no reason the media are going to make a big deal out of it.
Lexington is trying to outdo Detroit in its murder rate. When we heard about that Japanese train that runs 375 miles an hour, the good citizens of Pikeville were excited about getting to Lexington in 20 minutes, but we were afraid we would have to walk down the street somewhere and that is far more dangerous than a runaway train. So we hope they point our train in another direction, or let us off at Beattyville, to hang out with Sister Margaret. One feels fairly safe with Sister Margaret.
The single best thing we could do to slow the crime rate would be to surrender in the war on drugs. If we abandoned that silly effort, DEA agents would have to buy their own sex, or mow the yard.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at email@example.com.