President Barack Obama called me the other day to ask if I had noticed that my children don't call me on the phone as much as they used to.
I used that call as an opportunity to fuss at him for natural gas being so abundant and for the fact that the coal left in Central Appalachia is thin seamed, costly to mine.
What he really wanted to talk about was the Fight of the Centurions, namely, as Marty Brennaman would say after a pregnant pause, "the titanic struggle."
He was referring, of course, to the battle between Moneygatherer vs. Packofwows, in which Kentucky's senator from Alabama is doing battle with Kentucky's senator from Texas.
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They were formerly in different weight classes, but Packofwows has recently gained gravitas, while Moneygatherer somehow seems lighter than he was only five months ago.
The president, who, when he fought, was known as the Brown Bomber, but now mainly bombs browns, was more in the corner of Moneygatherer in this match since he wanted Americans' phone records available to spy agencies. It was an unusual place for him to be, in that many of the scars on his face were inflicted by the latter. Moneygatherer will enjoy this alliance as long as somebody doesn't take a picture of him talking to the president.
I had to disagree and be for Packofwows. Not since John Sherman Cooper baffled political science by being against the Vietnam War has a senator from Kentucky stood so honorably against the tide of political opinion. He may have just noticed that getting five percent of the vote may be enough to get him nominated for the Heavyweight Championship, something he could have learned from Kentucky's latest political whiz from New Hampshire. He should go one step further and come out for the pardon of Edward Snowden, an American of such moral fiber that he has to live in Russia.
Sen. Lindsey Graham will dress up in a skimpy bikini and run around the ring between rounds holding up a card with the round number on it. He joined the fray for the Heavyweight Championship, along with a couple dozen others.
Organizers of political debates the next few months will require the Dewey Decimal System to keep straight all those who would rescue the poor from health care, put soldiers who miss Iraq back where they want to be, or at least where they will want to be until put on a beach in an orange jumpsuit, and fight the raise in the minimum wage on humanitarian grounds.
But, back in the other ring, there are those who think it is acceptable for the government to keep tabs on every telephone call made in America and to collect naked pictures of all those immodest enough to transmit them, but people who think that way ought to be took out and shot. Somebody else said that those who cherish safety over freedom are apt to lose both. I didn't say that, but that has never stopped me before from stealing stuff others have said.
In my phone call, I apologized to the commander-in-chief about the Wildcats messing up his bracket, and explained to him the real reason we hate Duke is not basketball, but that university was built by American Tobacco Company appropriating the labor of our ancestor tobacco farmers.
I stole that from Wendell Berry.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.