Tie Rod is a food daredevil. He eats poke 30 minutes before it will kill you. He once had a fish fry of Japanese blowfish, with hushpuppies. He is fearless around peanuts. He checks all packages of wheat products and only buys stuff with gluten in it. He puts extra salt on country ham. He cooks his green beans in partially hydrogenated oils, sweetens his peach cobbler with aspartame, and likes his food dyed. So Tie Rod is all up in a tizzy about the War on Bologna. One of those over-reaching international health agencies put hot dogs, bologna and red meat right up there with cigarettes as a threat to health.
The implications of that decision are enormous to Tie Rod. A slice of Fischer's on a saltine cracker is fine art to him, and he will not sit around and see that banned in favor of stuff like quinoa, which he can't pronounce.
If they are going around outlawing stuff, why not ban garlic, which Tie Rod thinks is a sign of the decline of Western civilization.
So Tie Rod is founding the NBA — the National Bologna Association. He was going to call it the Kentucky Bologna Association, but was afraid he would be sued by the University of You-Know-Where, which claims the sole right to use the word "Kentucky."
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Tie Rod's NBA will organize bologna lovers across the country to put political pressure on legislators to keep them from even regulating bologna. Pickup trucks all over the land will sport bumper stickers featuring Oscar Mayer. There is money to be made though. Tie Rod envisions a bacon speakeasy deep in the woods, or bologna bootleggers, where you leave five dollars at the base of a tree, come back later and there will be a nice bologna, tomato and Miracle Whip sandwich — God's recompense to the poor.
In 1876, in Olympia Springs, the famous Kentucky Meat Shower occurred. Mrs. Crouch was outside making soap and suddenly there fell from the sky strips of red meat, covering an area as big as a football field, hanging on fences, all with no apparent explanation.
This was reported in the New York Times, and samples of the meat were sent far and wide for analyses by scientists, who could not identify what kind of meat it was.
Some tried to explain the meat shower by saying the meat came from a meteor, and that it was animal flesh from an exploding planet. That was rejected in favor of something real strange, but more likely. The best theory is that hundreds of vultures feasted on goat meat, got overly heavy and couldn't gain altitude when attacked and all vomited the meat the same time over Mrs. Crouch's place to avoid extinction.
Vultures vomiting foul stuff onto good people to avoid extinction is to Tie Rod a good metaphor for the recent political season and negative campaigning. He simply wants one candidate in a nationwide debate to come out in favor of bologna, hot dogs and red meat. Tie Rod would go door-to-door for him, or her. Hillary seems more like a tofu person, though.
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney at firstname.lastname@example.org.