R.E.M. sang Everybody Hurts.
Apparently, everybody cheats.
The latest accused is none other than the St. Louis Cardinals, who according to the New York Times is under investigation by the FBI (yikes) for allegedly hacking into the computers of the Houston Astros in an attempt to glean important player information.
Not China. Not Edward Snowden. Not WikiLeaks. Not even a band of high-tech criminals collecting credit card numbers. We're talking the St. Louis Cardinals, previously considered a shining example of how to run a professional sports organization.
Not that we should be surprised, of course. Cheating is nothing new. It just seems that even the entities we thought were above this sort of thing are, in fact, not above this sort of thing.
Take the University of North Carolina, formerly the proud believers in something called "The Carolina Way." Turns out the "The Carolina Way" included fake academic classes that kept student-athletes — a loose interpretation of the term "student-athlete" — eligible for the playing field. The school recently received a Notice of Allegations from the NCAA. Punishment is pending.
Take the Little League World Series. After charming America by winning the 2014 title in Williamsport, the Jackie Robinson West Little League All-Star team out of Chicago was stripped of the trophy when it was discovered that officials had recruited players beyond the team's district.
Maybe the Little League coaches were just emulating what they are seeing in all of modern-day sports.
High atop the cheat sheet is the New England Patriots, or Deflatriots, the NFL franchise that specializes in (a) winning Super Bowls and (b) scandals that end with the word "gate."
First there was "Spygate," in which Coach Bill Belichick kept videotaping opponents' defensive signals even after being instructed by the NFL to stop.
Recently, there was "Deflate-gate" in which quarterback Tom Brady allegedly had team personnel deflate footballs to his liking, which just happened to be against league rules.
It doesn't stop there. FIFA is in the middle of a global legal scandal, members of its board arrested on charges of taking bribes, its longtime leader submitting his resignation under pressure.
In baseball, record-setting sluggers Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire are shunned by Hall of Fame voters for their association with PEDs. Perhaps the most famous female track athlete, Marion Jones, was stripped of Olympic medals after admitting steroid use.
Then there's Lance Armstrong, the seven-time Tour de France champion, who not only lived a lie for years but ruined the careers of those who threatened to reveal his use of performance-enhancing drugs.
University of Kentucky athletics have had their share of scandals through the years, of course. From the 1950s through the early 2000s, either UK's football or basketball program, or both, were on probation after being caught in one round of cheating or another.
Former school president Lee Todd pledged that it would stop under his watch, and UK has been probation-free for more than a decade now. That doesn't stop others from snickering every time John Calipari signs a high-level recruit, which over the past six years has been pretty much all the time.
"If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying," goes the old saying, but the Cardinals computer scandal takes the art to a whole new technical level.
With advanced analytics and sabermetrics and databases being all the rage in the new "Moneyball" era, we should not be surprised that the next step in skullduggery would involve cybercheats.
Turns out, the future is now.
Here's the thing: After Monday night's games, the Cardinals owned the best record in baseball at 42-21. Like the Patriots, they don't really need to cheat.
Then again, apparently everybody cheats.