Let's hope that audiences craving matrimonial entertainment got their quota from last Friday's William and Kate Show. Otherwise they might fall prey to Something Borrowed, an expectation-crushing offering that falls far short of rom-com industry best practices.
I can't imagine an audience for this other than backers, relatives or friends of the filmmakers, and even they will find their mettle tested.
Deeply dimpled Ginnifer Goodwin plays a wallflower lawyer, Kate Hudson is her domineering alpha-blonde best friend, and Colin Egglesfield is apparently the only available man in New York. He and Goodwin were study partners in law school, and they were on their way to being something more when her smooth, confident pal swooped in and snatched him like a hawk seizing a rabbit.
Now the two are about to marry, while Goodwin smiles bravely from the sidelines with aching, unrequited longing.
Sign Up and Save
Get six months of free digital access to the Lexington Herald-Leader
The film is a two-hour pity party for her character, as her hopes for Egglesfield to snap out of it and realize he loves her are raised and dashed.
We learn quite late in the game that the handsome fellow is high society, but he's such a wimpy, passive, calf-eyed non-entity that it's hard to imagine the dominatrix or the dishrag wanting him. Still, Goodwin regards him with a love slave's beaming adulation, and quavers, "I never thought someone like you could like someone like me." It's one thing to root for a plucky underdog, but it's tough to maintain sympathy for a masochist.
The film duly grinds through scene after rusty mechanical scene. Yes, there is a sad walk in the rain. Yes, the frenemies confirm their bond by performing a tightly choreographed oldies number. Yes, there are standard comic friends and over-insistent musical cues.
In the script's only laugh-out-loud line, one character describes summer in the Hamptons as "a zombie movie directed by Ralph Lauren." With that throwaway joke, this lifeless, mindless enterprise critiques itself.