In Tower Heist, Eddie Murphy seems energized and pumped and poised for a comeback. In A Thousand Words, the actor smashes all those hopes to bits. Forget it. The dream is dead.
The only reason this dumb, insulting movie won't permanently derail Murphy's career is that few people will ever be forced to sit through it outside of trans-Atlantic flights and interrogation rooms at Guantanamo Bay. Why has this gifted comedian repeatedly squandered his talents on such crummy pictures? Even Adam Sandler hasn't amassed as many bad movies as Murphy has (Holy Man, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, The Haunted Mansion, Imagine That — the list is endless).
Maybe he just doesn't read his scripts, much like his character, Jack McCall, a fast-talking literary agent who doesn't read manuscripts. Jack just knows how to package books so they sell. The premise of A Thousand Words — written by Steve Koren, who also wrote Jack and Jill, so you know what you're in for — is that Jack must learn to be a better person after a Bodhi tree sprouts in his back yard and loses a leaf with every word he says. When the tree's branches are bare, Jack will keel over dead.
A Thousand Words was directed by Brian Robbins, who also worked with Murphy on Norbit and Meet Dave. Suddenly, those two movies feel like career highpoints. This is the kind of crass, soulless cash-grab that has Murphy holding a Starbucks coffee cup in front of the camera while saying the line "This coffee is incredible." This is the kind of racist, homophobic picture that makes fun of a gardener who speaks in a ridiculous accent and a running gag about an overweight gay man trolling a hotel for casual sex.
This is the kind of colossally misguided vanity project in which the story takes a melodramatic turn, exploits Ruby Dee as an elderly woman suffering from Alzheimer's, and ends with a sequence in which Jack gets in touch with his inner child by chasing a boy through a field of wheat shot in golden, sun-kissed light. I am not making any of this up. Nicolas Cage was a producer on A Thousand Words, which makes me wonder whether he considered starring in the movie himself at some point.
A Thousand Words was filmed in 2008 but wasn't scheduled for release until now, in order to capitalize on Murphy's anticipated gig as host of the Academy Awards. Except he bailed on the Oscars, and we got stuck with this insufferable movie. I wish I could erase A Thousand Words from my memory, because I suspect I will never be able to find Murphy funny again.
A movie this awful sears into your brain forever: It's bad enough to scar. Beware.