"You're not going to want me when I look like a grandmother."
It sounds like a fear that a lot of women have, but in The Twilight Saga: New Moon, which comes out on DVD on Saturday, it's the reason that just-turned-18 heroine Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is dying (joke intended) to have her undead 109-year-old boyfriend, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), turn her into a vampire.
Of course, gentleman that he is, Edward won't bite (or do much else with Bella) and flees instead, which depresses her. Repairing motorcycles with her friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner) — with his muscles and blinding smile — brightens her mood. But Jacob, a member of an Indian tribe, has secrets of his own.
As it turns out, the seemingly perpetually gray Washington town called Forks has more than vampires hanging around. There are werewolves. It seems that Bella can't stay away from dangerous guys — or guys who like to take their shirts off.
Mostly, New Moon is filled with portentous music and circling cameras from director Chris Weitz, and the action never really kicks into gear. There are Bella's occasional leering stares at Jacob's body, but the saga is really about abstinence. Fans of the series are probably happy with the adaptation of the Stephenie Meyer novels, but the rest of us really don't have much stake in the franchise.
New Moon retails for $32.99 or $34.99 on Blu-ray.
For true Twihards, the documentary Twilight in Forks: Saga of the Real Town ($19.99), which also comes out Saturday, goes to the real town of Forks, Wash. The movies weren't filmed there, but it's where Meyer set her novels.