There is a name in the mountains for mouthy braggarts. They are called “the man who rode the mule around the world.” Know who I mean?
But you just have to realize that in America, 49 percent of people are below normal. So hit —“hit” is a word adeptly used by mountain folks to put some fire in the word it replaces — hit don’t take much to tip the scales nowadays and before you know it you are going retro.
The Rube-publicans have taken over. People have voted to make America great again, and so the big question facing us is how far back do we want to go?
That gets pretty damn exciting. I envision an era which started during that speech the other night, which was a mistake for the old mule rider to schedule his big talk to Congress while Kentucky was playing Vandy. What a comeback! Push “Last” button on remote and over on CNN, what a comeback.
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Back to my vision-thing. I see an era wherein, county by county, we could decide just how far back great we want to be again.
Here is an example: Pike County used to claim to be the largest county east of the Mississippi until we got caught lying about it. I was drinking beer at the Red Robin Inn in Mingo County one time and claimed that, and Charlie Blevins’ wife ran to the house and came back with an almanac containing a larger county and warned me not to claim that any more.
But from God on down, Pike County of today has been the following counties: Spotsylvania, Orange, Augusta, Bottetourte, Kentucky, Fincastle, Fayette, Bourbon, Mason, and Floyd. We could go back to Bottetourte County, and all learn to pronounce it together. I don’t think the present Fayette County bunch would want Pike County to go back to being Fayette County again and hit’s something we would have to think about ourselves.
I want to go back just far enough to rename the Big Sandy River what the Indians called it. That would be the Chatterawah. Maybe not, because all those old fiddle tunes with “Sandy” in them would have to be renamed and Chatterawah has too many syllables. And the next time them Indians might not sign such bad treaties.
Speaking of Indians, did you ever know finer folks among us than the real Indians, from India? There is no reason to be killing so fine a people. You hate to see anybody die, but around here we love our Indians and want more of them. American bigot terrorists need to be more careful.
But you start to see the possibilities of going back to when America was great. You could go to the 1800s or even after that and marijuana would not be illegal to grow. Heck, you might even invent the car this time.
Each county, it might have to be each state, could decide whether to go back to slave times or to keep out the Irish.
Whatever we do we need to quickly get President Trump on Mount Rushmore. I am asking you to mail me money to find a world-class sculptor with experience in capturing sneers in granite, or whatever them other four are in. The back of the mountain could just be his hair. Some people say that is not his hair. He can prove it is. There is a label in that hair that reads “Property of Donald Trump.”
Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at firstname.lastname@example.org.