Op-Ed

Talking about solar eclipse, not online barbershop

Larry Webster
Larry Webster

Tie Rod was talking about the eclipse and Slemp thought he was referring to an online barbershop. Slemp could understand a computer haircut, all except the actual haircut part, but figures somebody in California has figured out how to do it.

Tie Rod explained that the eclipse is solar, so Slemp worries that the darkening of the sun will cause the Texas Clean Coal Plant to shut down, because the plant is run on solar. But Slemp is still all for the eclipse, saying that even the sun needs a fresh start. And it won’t hurt the sun to get mooned.

Two and a half minutes of thrill sort of reminds Slemp of other human activity which, like the eclipse, produces complications. Bad traffic, excessive preaching, and all the blind people after the two and one half minutes is up. If everybody goes around wearing dark glasses, the only way you can tell a drug dealer is if he is driving a black Chrysler 300, with its own dark glasses. Slemp heard an old mountaineer one time tell his grandson during an eclipse not to get too close to it.

Tie Rod is concerned that the solar eclipse will throw off the life rhythms of his chicken — his “show” chickens tied leg to post with barrel nearby, as well as his egg chickens. Will they get confused and crow at the wrong time and become disoriented?

He sells his show chickens to Indian reservations for import to Mexico, both places where chicken fighting is legal. It used to be in Tie Rod’s land and was easily the third-biggest thing in the economy after coal and fast food.

All that was before Sen. McConnell had it outlawed, which virtually destroyed the social life of Tie Rod’s sort. It always seemed to Tie Rod that McConnell should protect chickens from the Tysons and the Purdues and those who kill chickens without giving them a chance to fight back.

Killing chickens is right up there with whiskey in Kentucky’s economy.

Tie Rod loves Mexicans for more than cockfighting. He loves their food, five things put into different shapes, because it is cheap and has beans and cornbread’s double first cousin’s involved. He can’t figure out why Mexico makes the best beer, and fears a shortage and is hoarding Corona.

He wants his county seat to become a sanctuary city. Who wouldn’t want a bunch of people to come in and do the hard work real cheap and marry the chubby?

He is not nearly so fond of North Koreans and all their fawning over the Great Leader. It reminds him too much of Trump’s cabinet.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.

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