After the latest school shooting, the 20th in 2018, (but who’s counting) the National Rifle Association and some of it’s more excitable members have assured us once again that guns do not kill people. I offer some alternatives for self-protection that these folks have reminded us can be used to kill people:
▪ According to the governor of Texas, the reason why so many kids were killed in Santa Fe was that there were too many exits. It seems to me that a prudent homeowner should install more exits in their home so that any intruder is within striking distance of a deadly exit.
▪ Often, we are reminded that cars kill people, so maybe people should just live in their cars. Just be sure to park where you have access to a restroom and install snow tires for better traction when you run over an attacker.
▪ Park a mini-car, like a Smart Car, in your walk-in closets. Fill up the tank before installation.
▪ Keep a bottle of hydrogen cyanide capsules in your night stand. Wrestle any burglar to the ground, insert a capsule into his mouth and wait for 15 seconds. Quickly place the hapless criminal on a large plastic sheet so it will be easy to clean up the mess when his colon empties when he dies.
▪ Keep a wide assortment of known lethal allergens on hand to induce anaphylactic shock. Suggestion: peanut, tree nuts, dairy in case the criminal is lactose intolerant. Have a safe place as the reaction may take some time to work.
▪ Invest in a kitchen knife block for every room in your house. Practice cobra-like jabs so you can deliver 90 lethal stabbings in nine seconds like the Las Vegas shooter was able to do.
▪ Recycle drycleaner bags to use to suffocate intruders. These are free and can be rotated frequently to maintain maximum strength to subdue violent offenders.
▪ Keep a Bible is every room to either convert invading infidels, heretics, sinners, liberals, Democrats and Muslims or Bible-thump them to death if they resist.
▪ Buy a cattle prod and apply it liberally to the nether regions of felons.
▪ Invest in a poisonous snake such as an inland taipan, black mamba or Australian brown snake. Have a safe place to hide for 15 minutes while the venom works.
▪ Keep a blue ring octopus in a saltwater tank in every room. Their venom is quick-acting and has no antidote.
▪ According to the NRA’s Oliver North, these school shootings are caused by Ritalin, so keep your prescriptions for ADHD up to date.
▪ Adopt a vicious breed of dog. Your homeowners insurance rates will go up but the sense of security is worth it.
▪ Contact the Monty Python organization to buy a killer-rabbit from the Holy Grail film.
▪ Make sure you keep your cat’s claws razor sharp and train it to attack on command.
▪ Invest in ankle-biter dogs to cripple attackers.
▪ Record one of Mitch McConnell’s monotonous, lie-filled speeches and bore the attacker to death.
▪ Practice observing moments of silence and keep rosaries handy so you can pray your intruder to die. This may take awhile.
▪ Live in a high-rise building and keep the windows open so you can push the criminal to his death.
▪ Keep a box of Colt-45 bullets handy to throw at the attacker, use shotgun shells if you just want to wing him.
▪ Run scary movies like the “Texas Chainsaw Murders” continuously to scare the attacker to death.
▪ Keep cans of spray paint and Redi-Whip available so you can make him huff himself to death.
▪ Keep unfiltered cigarettes that will induce lung cancer. An added benefit is he will suffer as this method is long and slow acting.
▪ If you live next to an ocean, keep a big supply of rocks on hand so you make the ocean rise quickly enough to kill.
This list is not exhaustive. Use your imagination and design your own home defense system. One caveat: moats are expensive to maintain and moat monsters are difficult to find and get past customs.
Roger Guffey of Lexington is a math professor. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.