Op-Ed

Trump wars on whiskey, Toyotas: back to nerve pills

Larry Webster
Larry Webster

The first time Slemp asked Canola Jane to marry him, she said that she would marry him when all other men were dead.

“There’s still hope,” thought Slemp and kept after her. They ended up married, even with a lot of other men still alive, and it has gone pretty well up to now.

Until Canola Jane and her Ladies Circle started praying against whiskey. Slemp is very much on board with the Opioids-to-Whiskey movement going on in Kentucky, by which our future is going to depend on getting people to drink more liquor and to get off pain pills.

He has long wondered what we would do to replace tobacco, coal and pain pills and thinks it wonderful that we are going back to doing what we did before tobacco and coal — making whiskey.

It is a perfect product for the commonwealth, because you have to rationalize whether it is moral or not to make it, and tobacco Kentuckians and coal Kentuckians learned to rationalize long ago.

Uncle Joe smoked and he lived to be 64. After they haul this black stuff away from here they clean it up somehow.

What really irked Slemp was that Canola Jane and the Circle threw a victory party against whiskey when they heard that the Trump tariffs are going to ruin the distilling business in Kentucky.

Finding that out about tickled the drys to death and they celebrated at a big party, with punch which Slemp snuck outside to spike with liquid folk art, aged in a fruit jar since last month.

While inside, the Prohibitionists celebrated Trump’s War on Woodford by drinking cold water without realizing what fish do in it.

Canola Jane’s former charitable organization that she supported was the Appalachian chapter of the Arm Jiggle Foundation. They did much good and their work was credited with the eradication of arm jiggle — their work and genetic engineering.

Slemp is just as concerned about Trump’s War on the Toyota plant, the War on Farmers, and all the other workers whose jobs depend on overseas trade whom Trump is thanking for voting for him by getting them laid off.

Slemp would also have been worried about global warming, but it was just too hot in May to worry about anything. He does sort of wish somebody would tell him when to plant beets in times of Republican climate science.

Slemp thinks all the smart people should get together and write a computer program to analyze things and when things are going wrong and the country needs attention, a large trouble light would come on in Times Square or somewhere like that, or maybe there would be beeping all over the country until we fixed the problem.

But to be safe, and to prepare for high prices, Slemp is storing up whiskey and old Toyota trucks. He says the whiskey will only get better and the Toyota trucks will run until ISIS buys them for truck bombs. In the meantime, another little drink wouldn’t do him any harm.

Reach Larry Webster, a Pikeville attorney, at websterlawrencer@bellsouth.net.

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