Rumors coming from South Africa that a soccer team in Group B scored were compounded by a report that, in one of the World Cup games, a team actually won. A judge named Koman Coulibaly in the U.S. game against Upper Slobbovia showed why the U.S. will not subject itself to the World Court. You just don't want feet people judging Americans, especially with names that sound like the tree in Waltzin' Matilda.
A busload of Haitian voodoers traveled to the U.S. to adopt and thereby rescue as many American children as they could from Baptists. Hundreds of Americans remained in Haiti, trying to get that country back to its pre-quake normalcy, which consisted of people living in rows of shacks made of cardboard and tin with no water or sewage.
Lexingtonians who want children are in luck. This paper reported baby stores are booming. Price is subject to race, with great markdowns for babies from earthquake or genocide.
Why do they call stores for animals "feed" stores and stores for humans "food" stores? Let's switch and give cows food and us take feed and see if we evolve better this way. Steak is my favorite animal.
This paper also reported an abundant supply of fireflies, causing the legislature to go into emergency session and have lightning bugs declared to be a mineral, despite their humanoid qualities, namely that the females are attracted to flash.
Female elk love big antlers and strip jobs and people's gardens and cornfields, and it is more legal to shoot the county sheriff. Actually you don't shoot elk, you "take" them. What Eastern Kentucky needed was an outsized animal with no natural predators to jump out onto highways and help us fight kudzu, another reform introduced to the mountains in the 1800s by the Japanese, for which we later bombed a couple of their cities. Kudzu roots are headed downward toward coal mines and will give coal companies something to blame explosion on beside the government.
Those of us who expected great things from President Barack Obama are disappointed he doesn't know how to shut off an oil leak at the bottom of the sea. What in the world was he doing up there in Harvard? The Republican idea of diversity, two white men from two different oil companies, named Bush and Cheney, would be handy right now. Where are all those "Drill, Baby, Drill," cheerleaders now? Are we learning that drilling oil wells in places you can't get to is ignorant with a capital "E"?
We also wish Obama would do more to end the Bush depression, or take leadership positions on some of the most pressing issues of the day. On the first, the president should schedule a speech from the White House to gently tell all those guys who are going bald that shaving their hair all the way off makes them look worse and that they should use what hair they have, and that a comb-over would look better.
Then the president could ask for federal legislation banning jogging, which kills 10,000 people a year, and also banning those low slung pants women wear under the horribly mistaken notion they look good in them.
With the width of some of those pants being measured in axe handles, anyone who puts on a pair instantly looks worse than they ever did before. They do keep the birth rate lower.