Tie Rod feels Pitino's pain

Tie Rod said he couldn't remember a single time some blond had unzipped him in a restaurant, and Slemp said it probably never happened or Tie Rod would surely remember it.

Slemp said that one time he thought Canola Jane was unzipping him at the Meadowthorpe, but come to find out, he had come back from the bathroom with his fly unzipped, and Canola Jane was merely trying to reverse the situation and keep fried cornbread from getting in.

They know somebody who once met Pitino at the Chamber of Commerce, so they are trying to get this guy to approach the coach and get a license for a new computer game named after Pitino with some really fun games on it.

One is called "Siphon," which means to suck from one thing to another as in "What is an Island Creek credit card? A siphon hose."

The object of the game Siphon is to take something with a little value, like having seduced a famous person, and make as much off it as you can, and not blow yourself up.

The most popular feature of the new DVD game will be called "Italian Stallion," involving teasers and handlers and competition with a rabbit.

Tie Rod says that he figures the reason that famous table top act lasted only 15 seconds is that the woman had eaten something with garlic in it, or the coach got to thinking about Christian Laettner. Otherwise, from what he knows about such, the act should have taken twice that long.

Tie Rod offers Pitino empathy, having been all but ruined himself the time the Big "E" called the volunteer fire department out to a certain trailer where Tie Rod was temporarily and unexplainedly lodged, to report a fire that she didn't start on the porch until she heard the trucks were close.

There was the whole community, with bright lights and bull horns and here comes Tie Rod running and stumbling out trying to get his legs into what turned out to be the underwear of the other half of the tryst.

Tie Rod says that God gave man a sex organ and a brain but not enough oxygen to run them both at the same time, so he has empathy.

Empathy, yes, but Tie Rod still goes into stores when he really doesn't need anything just to make cracks about the situation. He surmises that the bald spot which went away was a temporary one pulled out by the missus the first time she found out her man was doing sport sex and grew back on its own. He makes remarks about a zone press, going up strong, pick and roll and all the usual stuff.

The worst one of all he tells in those stores is not even about Pitino. Tie Rod said until last year when he thought John Wall, it meant to him a place by the urinal where people let you know what they can do for you. He always reads the phone numbers to see if he recognizes any.

Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney.