The recent flurry of conservatives clamoring for the Defense of Marriage Act has caused quite a debate between people who want to legitimize same-sex marriage and those who oppose it. While I certainly believe in the defense of marriage, I would argue these folks are not attacking the problem from the best vantage point. They are attacking same-sex marriage when the problem is clearly heterosexual marriage.
Consider these statistics that can be found on the Internet. The divorce rate among American straight couples is 50 percent. Let's break that down to show these people do not get any better at it with repeated practice: 41 percent of first marriages, 60 percent of second marriages and 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.
While reasons for divorce vary, the big one is adultery. Ninety percent of people think adultery is morally wrong, of whom 35 percent say it should be a crime and 61 percent say it is not a crime. Still, conservative estimates are that 40 percent of women and 60 percent of men admit they have committed adultery.
So the real enemy of the traditional family is not same-sex marriage, but heterosexual marriage.
Since these are some of the same people who attack same-sex marriages by quoting Bible verses, let's apply Biblical standards to this problem. The anti-same-sex marriage crowd cites the Old Testament where death is the penalty for homosexuality. But that same punishment is meted out to adulterers.
If we carried out that Biblical command, we would gut the United States House of Representatives and the Senate. Since we seem to have problems finding adequate supplies of lethal injection drugs, we may just go the traditional stoning route.
But let's not stop there. Using the Old Testament as a guide, we must nip these nasty sexual sins in the bud. Only 21 percent of women and seven percent of men are virgins on their wedding night. But the Bible exacts a draconian fine for those who do not meet this virginity test. According to Deuteronomy 22:22-29, if a man has sex with a woman who is engaged within city limits (where, presumably the deed cannot remain a secret), they shall both be stoned to death.
However, if the offense is out of earshot of anyone, only the man is put to death. If a man has sex with an un-betrothed woman, he shall pay her father 50 shekels of gold (about $2,500 in today's gold market), he must marry her and he may not ever divorce her.
Now before the reader pooh-poohs these standards, consider the enormous advantages that will result. First and foremost, we will drastically reduce the overpopulation in this country. These measures will drive the unemployment rate to zero and most people will probably have more than one job due to the labor shortage.
The financial deficits that plague the country will vanish. The number of people on welfare and unwed teenage pregnancies will diminish significantly. With fewer people, crime rates will drop, society will become more energy efficient and pollution levels will plummet.
Church attendance rates should skyrocket because everyone will want to be sure they are on the straight and narrow and that is where they find the spiritual strength to stay there. Since different denominations seem to exhibit varying levels of piety, we may have the added bonus of seeing some of the less godly sects disappear altogether.
With any luck, we will be rid of most of the hypocrites and the rest will have to just keep their mouths shut.