These are revelations, which God hath giveth unto me, to show unto all servants of the commonwealth those things which must surely come to pass if ever the Wildcats of Kentucky be slain by the winged red beasts of the west.
Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand. And if any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written forthwith.
And if any man shall take away from the words of this prophecy, God shall take away his season tickets, and out of the holy city of Lexington he shall be cast.
Behold, if ever the blue and white shall be shaken from the 16-branch tree by the beast of red and black, two brothers shall lay waste to the holy city's heart. Great monuments will fall and in their place a barren field will bear no crop. Many seeds shall be planted but none shall grow.
Seed the first shall be a sacrilege, a middle digit extended toward the Heavens, and it shall be torn asunder as if by swarms of locusts. Seed the second and seed the third shall be of righteous intent, but again they shall grow not and wither.
All those dwelling outside the Sacred Circle will fall to the scorched earth and wail, "What strange shapes are these!" And they will pluck their eyes from their heads.
And lo the elders of the city shall gnash their teeth in agony and cry out to the Angel Calipari for his mercy. But the angel will hear them not, for he will be at a New York tailor for a fitting.
From the eastern mountains, too, a garbage monger will seek perennially the highest office of the commonwealth. Upon a great bull of fiberglass he shall ride, encircling the palace of Frankfort seven times to exorcise its demons, offering sandwiches of bologna and RC Cola to those who bear the seal of the ass upon their foreheads.
Scandals will be many as the sands of the sea are many. Six times six times ten thousand gold pieces will be plundered from the flying machine coffers and the thieves will honor themselves with gluttonous feasts.
Five times one thousand gold pieces will be spent in houses of ill repute and two times one thousand gold pieces will procure front-row seats to witness the screeching of the two-faced serpent called Hannah Montana, spawn of the exiled Billy Ray.
And then, when the suffering is thought to end, an evil fatness shall descend. It will be decreed that the holy city is the most slothful in all the land and those upon two wheels will be forsaken. Parades shall be given in refutation of the decree, but none shall attend, for there will be much Halo to be played and many hot wings to be eaten.
Blessed are they that take to heart this prophecy, for those that do not are dogs and sorcerers who shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone, which is known as Tennessee.
So win, Kentucky. And whosoever shall witness, let him drink freely the Ale-8 of life. Amen.