Tie Rod is glad the Baptists, self redeemers, ignored that old foolishness in the Bible about a curse on whichever one of Noah's boys took over Africa, the first "brother." In case you have forgotten who Noah was, Adam was his papaw and Eve his mamaw 11 grandfathers back, and he holds the distinction of being the first person known to have gotten drunk.
But he too is entitled to redemption, because he was about 700 years old at the time, and anybody who stays sober that long a time would get mighty dry.
Tie Rod says that the old myth that Baptists drink a lot is just that, but they would be better off if they did. He thinks that, although Baptists voted in the denomination's first black president:
■ They are just doing that so that they will feel better about being against Barack Obama.
■ They will criticize every little thing the new Baptist leader does and not give him credit and try to get rid of him soon.
■ The new guy probably doesn't wear one of those huge A.M.E. gold crosses on a chain around his neck. He is symbol enough, unchained.
More important a symbol to Tie Rod is who they will hire to portray Jesus at those new theme parks. Nobody knows what the real Jesus looked like, but now when he comes to people in visions, he looks just like those pictures behind the pulpit which somebody dreamed up long ago, kind of unisex and quasi-hippie with no discernible sideburns, taller than the sheep.
Tie Rod says that whatever the Jesus character looks like at Bible World is going to take over in time and years from now, when Jesus comes to people's minds, Tie Rod doesn't want him to look like Mr. Red.
He probably would have to look a little Jewish and in his early thirties, maybe like Jon Stewart before he combed in the gray. Tie Rod hopes they put a little pot belly on him under that robe; or better yet, dress him in work clothes with hard-toe boots and let him be losing his hair.
Tie Rod agrees with architect Frank Lloyd Wright, who was 5'7" and said that anybody taller than that is wasted material.
Tie Rod himself ate locusts, messed up what hair he has left and started signing his name "John T. Baptist" and tried out for that part, but got beat out by the Turtle Man, because of the latter's experience in the water and ability to speak in tongues.
The Turtle Man, on his TV show, has gotten the rest of the world to think that South Central Kentucky is the outback, which Tie Rod finds amusing, given that the blue-headed old women, professors and gentlemen farmers who live there deem themselves outfront because Dick Cheney came there once.
In Tie Rod's humbler country, both Baptists and the unsaved sweltered in record heat and with no juice. It was so hot and people were so zapped that they didn't even have the energy to deny global warming, and no Fox News to do it for them.
It got so hot that House Speaker John Boehner's orange makeup melted right off on Fox when he was telling his team not to gloat over the health care decision, which they didn't.
Fox is owned by Rupert Murdoch, a jealous Australian who resents America, but his network was too busy comparing the chief justice to killer Charles Manson to notice the heat.
Tie Rod figures that his own phone system has been hacked into by Murdoch, so he is setting him up by saying things on his phone that aren't true and then watching Fox to see if his misinformation is being repeated along with all its other misinformation.
Larry Webster is a Pikeville attorney. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.