Ky. Voices: Mass shootings good for economy

Roger Guffey teaching at Lafayette High School in Lexington in 2009.
Roger Guffey teaching at Lafayette High School in Lexington in 2009. Herald-Leader

In the folly of my youth, I argued for more gun-control laws and universal background checks, but I have since seen the error of my ways. I am now on the side of the gun lobby for lots of reasons:

Guns create jobs. Someone has to process the wood for the stocks and metals for the barrels, or produce the high-tech plastics or carbon fiber alloys for the more modern types. Scientists have to produce the gunpowder and other chemical components of munitions.

But guns create jobs in many other areas. Just look at how many people profit from mass shootings or even accidental ones. Doctors, nurses, surgeons, morticians, coffin makers, pharmacists, funeral homes, florists, ambulance drivers, police departments and media outlets benefit from guns.

Guns bring family and friends together. When someone is shot to death, dozens of family members and friends who have not seen each other for years will come to the funeral.

Guns also contribute significantly to sociological changes. Everybody knows that guns are intertwined with the drug trade and gangs. The easy accessibility of guns means that more drug pushers and gangbangers are killed off so the overall health of society improves. The solution to bad men with guns is either good men with guns or even more bad men with guns. As long as the guns are used to rid us of these moral reprobates, we should be thankful.

If you want to stir people up on the gun issue, just watch what happens after the next mass shooting of children. We really abhor the death of children like those at Sandy Hook or Columbine, but does it ever occur to people that some of the kids who are killed might have grown up to be criminals, murderers, rapists, or, God forbid, liberal politicians?

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Anything we can do to prevent another Michael Bloomberg, Al Gore or Chuck Shumer is worth the effort. Besides, the children who survive will develop great duck-and-cover survival skills.

President Barack Obama said that the shooting of the innocent children at Sandy Hook was the worst day he has had as president. If that black, Muslim, foreign-born socialist cannot take the heat he should resign and let a real American back in the White House as long as it is not that goofball Joe Biden.

Guns protect us from the tyranny of our government. We know that the NSA has been secretly reading our emails and listening to our phone calls without warrant or any pretext of legality. Suppose the Gestapo police show up on my doorstep and try to confiscate my pinup of Sarah Palin in full camouflage gear shooting wolves from a helicopter? As long as I have my guns, they will take that poster from me when they pry it from my cold dead hands.

I may have no chance against government military might like Abrams tanks, Tomahawk missiles or air strikes from a stealth jet, but as long as I can shoot the soldiers operating them I will be OK.

Everyone knows that having guns in homes makes people safer. Just the other night, some hoodie-wearing lowlife broke into my house at three in the morning. Luckily, I sleep with my Colt-45 on the nightstand. I am blind as a bat without my glasses. but I still managed to drive the intruder off by firing off a few quick rounds. The doctor said that my old lady will not have long-term damage from her flesh wound, and I never liked that dog anyway.

Sure, every few days we hear about a five-year-old accidentally killing a sibling but that is just natural selection thinning the herd.

The idea of universal background checks makes my skin crawl. Nobody wants mentally ill people or criminals having guns, but criminals will always get guns. The Second Amendment of the constitution guarantees me the right to bear arms and, the way I read it, arms means anything from blunderbusses to bazookas.

So all you lily-livered, bleeding-heart Obama supporters need to shut your pieholes and be thankful that real Americans are watching out for your rights. I just hope that the NSA has not interfered with my Internet purchases of armor-piercing cop-killer bullets.