Larry Webster: Tea Party by any other name will act the same

Gov. Chris Christie gave up his legal fight against same-sex marriage, saying the march of history was against him. That is ironic, because recently United States history quit marching and went to running in place.

This will continue until President Obama authorizes drone strikes against the Tea Party. "The Tea Party" was chosen because it sounds better than "A bunch of racist homophobes." Drones will be necessary because there are so many right-wing Christian fundamentalists and so few lions.

Christie is said to be running against Sen. Ted Cruz, the first Canadian citizen to run for president and who seeks to be the first president of the United States with a tea-kettle nose. Christie seeks to become the first lap-band president, Bill Clinton having been the first lap-dance president. He stopped his fight against gay marriage after dozens of people with the same sexual equipment started marrying each other at midnight in New Jersey. Heretofore, midnight weddings occurred only at Las Vegas — another form of high-stakes gambling, but mama used to say that you don't know anybody well enough to marry them.

Not long back, most married people thought their own marriages were same-sex, which had to do with the lack of imagination in the bedroom, but no more. Look at the wedding announcement pages in the paper and you see two husbands engaged and two wives engaged and all of them wearing pants. You wonder who will be the speaker of that house. Some say that same-sex marriage will destroy the institution of marriage, and that is reason enough to be for it.

Other governors have had a change of heart. Former Gov. "Super Mario" Cuomo, long a critic of Italian-Americans being stereotyped, finally watched The Godfather. This is something I personally do anytime I am not watching Pretty Woman or Silence of the Lambs, which never fails to cheer me up when I am once more assured that Hannibal is going to eat somebody.

Even more startling a transformation was when Gov. Steve Beshear metamorphed from a conservative somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun to a Hubert Humphrey liberal celebrated by The New York Times. Beshear is using his experience standing next to a woman in her 60s to attract the attention of Hillary, who some suspect of still wanting to be president and who will need a running mate who can start a website. Kentucky is the only government, including the one run by Obama, that can operate a computer. It also is the only Southern state to take the "free" Medicaid money offered by Obamacare, but since then, Ohio Gov. Kasich extracted his head from his rear and signed up too.

Obamacare survived the hostage crisis, when the secessionist states threatened to shut down the government unless the Affordable Care Act was repealed and, as Steve Martin used to say, the letter R was removed from the alphabet. The Tea Party didn't get its way, but it declared victory anyway and will get even by opposing such liberals as Texas Sen. John Cornyn and Sen. Lindsay Graham cracker because they are insufficiently stupid, against slavery, and do not hate the high yeller enough.

Sen. McConnell came riding in on his white turtle and negotiated a grand bargain that put off the crisis his party had artificially created until well before March Madness, which Kentucky skipped last year.